For my soul, commitment is the bridge that spans the gap between what I have been and what I am becoming. My dreams show me both places. Without commitment I would never face into the fear and pain I feel as I move into what is difficult or unknown to me. Without the bridge of commitment I would run the other way, do what seems easy or safe. But how could I grow? How could I actualize the promise I have glimpsed in my dreams, the promise of living in the radiance of my essence as it is illumined by the Animus's love?
I am faced with a choice in every waking moment. My choice comes down to process or pathology. Will I choose the habit of my shame or will I choose the love? At first glance it seems so obvious. Why wouldn't I choose the love? But there is something base and habitual in me that resists, that rests and finds comfort in the familiarity of my shame. It is my Big NO.
Commitment is the spark of energy I need to wake up, to ignite my discernment. Then I can recognize, "Oh! This familiarity is the lie! I am lost in the lie. It may look on the outside like I am simply sitting in front of my wood stove staring at the fire, but in truth I am on a spiritual field of battle under heavy mortar fire from the enemy!" Commitment is one of the most powerful weapons I have to fight back and find my way home to the truth.
For me, commitment is a gift. It is a simple fact of my spiritual life, a glue; it is love. Like understanding is love. Commitment is love! An act of love, full hearted and unwavering. It is the opposite of abandonment and betrayal. Commitment is a channel for love. A conduit. A corridor. A pathway. Commitment is my love in action. It allows me to do what He asks because I said I would, even when the old me doesn't feel like it. Bond of love, made of intention and discipline. When I use the word discipline I mean as in disciple, as in devoted, as in love.
Dream:
I see a large pile of cow dung and right on top is a beautiful gold ring with a large glimmering diamond set with an emerald.
This dream image shows my edge, either I am in the subjective shit of shame or the objectivity of being the diamond heart. The lie versus the truth. The NO versus the YES. I am learning to live in the truth that I am a gem! Precious and beloved of the Divine. I am not the pile of shit. I am the diamond heart who is refracting His light. In this place, I feel the brilliance shining from my chest. My energy centers in my heart. I feel a bigness and brightness that I recognize as His presence.
When I sink into my diamond heart I also feel uncertain and unsure. If I stay open then I can feel my hurt. I am hurt. I feel vulnerable and open and hurt. For me, uncertainty and self doubt are part of my experience, part of my vulnerability. I have hated that in me. I have said NO. I have chosen the certainty of my shame with its illusion of safety, as a way out of the discomfort of my hurt and uncertainty. I have hurt myself and allowed myself to be hurt because I have not accepted what is true in me. Therefore I have been unable to let the archetypes love me there.
I have projected all this onto the world. I have cared for others. I have empathized and been devoted to them. Yet I have always excluded myself, put others before me and therefore felt more hurt. So how loving have I actually been?
I have put the Animus before me, too. I have tried to skip over myself to unite with Him, as if I could skip over the essence of who I am. I was denying the very essence that He loves. How could I be in the mutuality of spiritual union, of conjunctio with the Animus without my sweet, devotional soul? This is part of how my innate devotional nature, which is a deeply archetypal feminine spiritual gift, has been misused and corrupted. I have tried to line it up with the world and in doing so I judged my essential self by worldly standards. Now I can feel how this aspect of me clearly belongs in a different dimension, a spiritual dimension.
For me, commitment is the only way I can stay with this new piece of my soul's becoming. The pathology is always near, looking for a way in. I'm noticing how it wants to get in through my aversion to uncertainty. Like all this soul had better translate into something fucking tangible already!