by Dorothy Korshak
When I was asked to write about my commitment, my homework was to feel the pain of not belonging. I wondered how I could write from this place. But with the help of a friend I realized that this was where He intended me to be when I write. From the place of feeling my pain of not belonging I am very close to the reason I do this work. I can drop down into the pain and from this place I can feel my yearning for His love. And this is the place from which my commitment comes.
For twelve years now I have done this work. I am committed to doing my homework every day. While I often say 'yes' to what He asks of me I also have a big NO. But even when I am saying 'no' on the outside, inside there is the 'yes'. Down in is the 'yes'. The 'no' has no weight. I am obedient to Him.
Last year I wasn't obedient. I missed strings to go on vacation with Steven. I thought I had to choose between my NOE commitment and my husband. But that was a lie. On the first day of my two week vacation I broke my wrist. I couldn't do anything and in the heat I was in a lot of pain and miserable. I was so vulnerable I cried every day of my 'vacation'. This was His plan. I was given the gift of being vulnerable all day every day. This winter I have told Steven that I can plan a one week vacation around my NOE calendar and even then If an opportunity arises to go out into the world for my NOE work, the vacation will be cancelled. This is my commitment.
I was excited when Christa called to say Marc wanted me to go to NYC to represent NOE at a party for Rodger. I waited to tell Steven because I knew he would react. When I finally told him he reacted. It was no big deal, he just reacted. And then he got over it. He always does. For years I projected my fear onto Steven. This got in the way of my commitment. Now I understand that I was just hiding behind Steven. I was afraid to stand up and say 'yes' even when I knew it was the right answer.
Dream: I am in a house where there are four children. Two are alone, scared, undernourished and unkempt. Their mother ignores them. The other two are happy, healthy and joyful. When their mother sends them off to school they run and skip onto the bus.
When I went to NYC my homework was to be the two kids running onto the bus. The other two kids are the old me. I am done with them. Marc says when I am the old kids I am like a deer in the headlights. They are me in my trauma. I am committed to being the kids running onto the bus.
This week I committed in another way. I have had Susan Gregory as an apprentice for several months. I have not done a good job. I have had to ask myself "what is it in me that accepts mediocrity in Susan". I have had to ask myself "what is it in me that accepts mediocrity in myself". I have asked for help so that I am better able to do what it is that He is asking me to do. He does not accept mediocre work. I had a dream this week where He drove me to his house and put me face to face with Susan. This is how He guides me. I have committed to giving Susan the best training possible.
I have known for a long time that NOE is my life's work. Everything so far pales in comparison to what I know He has in store for me in this work. In my new excitement about NOE I have spoken to Marc about how I can contribute in new ways to NOE. My NOE time used to feel like a burden. My NOE time is now a gift. He has guided me here. He will lead me to where I am going. I am His student.