by Ellen Urman
Light replaces the old need to know, the curiosities, and even that gives way to pure sensation expanding from my heart, spilling into my whole chest cavity. In this new homework, the shimmering beauty of the multiple rainbows in my living room, the heart of my home, surround Him, surrounded me, and I am held in the Grace of His presence.
I am in Grace. I go there. I stay for a while. I feel radiant. I leave. I go back over and over. The rainbows of another world, archetypal colors that He has shown me surround me. Time stops. Or, maybe it's still ticking onward. I don't know. This radiance of another world is filling my living room, filling me. He has come into the very heart of my home, standing by the hearth, and I am calm, open, relaxed. I finally get out of my own way; stop the pause, the tripping, the self-deprecating, the wince, long enough to be enveloped in this Grace. I glow.
I can write these words AND stay with Him, here in my heart, in my home, in His heart, Their world illuminating mine. No stories. No blue Narcissus. No chariot breaking through the ground. Not even one pomegranate seed, though I must have had one before. I don't know when. I don't know much about before or after. I am now in His incandescence.
And I say to Him, “Of all the things you've taught me, showed me, the biggest awakening is that it's OK to make a mistake.”
He forgave me even as I pursued the hurtful, the lies. Right now I have moved on, even past my own self-acceptance. That isn't even a concern anymore. Not in this moment, even knowing it will return, for I am of this earth and I make mistakes.
Now I extend my hand to His. I am again under the flowering arch with Him. Right in my living room, yet it's not there either. It's not anywhere I've been and yet here I am. Before I stop the question “What can I do for you?” I know!
I know.
I know.
I know the answer is to listen to Him. To be with Him in everything and then anything I choose will be of Holy Ellen.
And now the earth opens up before me. Dirt falls on my head, gets in my hair and in my eyes and I smile. It's time to get up, get dressed and go to work.
With Him. Always with Him.
All ways with Him.
This IS how I can be in the topside world.