This past summer I had a dream where, at the end of the dream, I ran out into the snowy night and yelled at the top of my lungs "God, help me to live in you and in your Son." This statement, this powerful desire, was all that mattered. Creepy, leering men drove by in dark cars and I was not afraid. I was not afraid of anything. All I felt was a powerful desire to live a life utterly connected to God.
This is what my life is about. Period. Everything I do must be in service to this in some way or I am straying from my true path, my desired path. In the dream I have no fear. In my waking life I have a tremendous amount of fear, and underneath the fear is a lot of pain, and underneath the pain is the Love. I cannot feel His love if I am unwilling to feel my fear and my pain. In order to live my life in deep connection to God, I have to feel these feelings, not make them About Something, but simply feel them.
Part of my work is to make my devotion more public, to not be afraid to say the words "God, help me to live in you and in your Son" out loud. I have always been very private about my spiritual life. I only talk about that part of my life with close, trusted friends. I am afraid everyone else will not "understand" or will see me as some wacky "jesus freak." That is the part of me that cares what the world thinks of me. It takes me outside of myself to a place of shame and small-ness. I hide my light for fear others may judge me for it. My work is to come OUT with all that I am and desire to be and not hide myself.
Recently, I had a dream where the Animus came to me. I was lying on the grass, my eyes closed. And when i opened my eyes He was there, his face close to mine. He looked at me with such love, and I knew it was the Animus instantly, and I fell instantly in love with Him. He was all I wanted. Later, he and I were sitting in the passenger seat of a car. My husband was driving and I was lying in the arms of the Animus. I felt complete, full. I wanted for nothing. I loved and I felt utterly loved. I was in a place beyond even desire because I finally had the love i've wanted all my life. I want to live from that place, always.