I am a woman of God. I have spent most of my life hiding from this. It is not until recently that I have had moments of being able to take that in, to hear the words spoken and actually know they are meant for me. To hear these words from Marc, my fellow dreamers and from the archetypes in my dreams and to know they are for me.There are glimspses of memory of a small child, who at times, knew this. A child that knew the wonder, the want and had the sense of belonging.
My hiding from this knowledge is created in a woman with a fierce sense of independence. An independence that believed I could fulfill all of my own needs. This independence served me well as a small child with two parents who were often lost in their own places of loss and pain, unavailable to their youngest child. This child grew up believing she needed no one but herself. I could take care of myself. It is what I had to do to keep myself safe. In my pathology I have kept myself safe with closing myself off from the Him/Animus, from any sense of vulnerability, openess and love.I have kept my distance, creating an armor that is hard, angry looking and unapproachable. Yet, deep inside rests the pain of a longing and desire for relationship with Him. The pain of the depths of this desire and the struggle to find the places that open me to Him. This what brought me into the dreamwork. Five years ago, on my first visit with Marc, he asked me why I was there. I said "I want t o improve my relationship with God". The words were so immediate and unplanned that I was surprised myself in hearing them come out of my mouth. Yet, I know nothing is more true than that.
My recent work has brought me so much closer to him.
A dream worked at the Winter 2007 retreat:
I am in a NOE class being taught by the Animus (Marc). He is talking about the next class that is going to take place. I am not taking that class so I gather my papers to leave. As I do this I drop them all over the floor. I bend over to pick thim up and begin to sob uncontrollably. I want to be in the class.
The Animus comes over and taps me on the shoulder and say "Ah, there it is".
In this dream I want. I want to belong. I want to be in His class, His student. I feel this deep in the core of who I am.
As I work this dream I came to realize that I could not stand eye to eye with the Animus. I am not His equal as my Amazonian independent self would want me to think. I kneel before Him in humbleness and humility, allowing his love to flow over me. I stay in this position in what feels like forever, in what I want to be forever.
A dream from April 2007:
I am a young woman (18 or 19) in the bedroom of the actor Ryan Phillipe. He is naked before me. He leaves and comes back in a handsome suit and tie, saying he dressed just for me. Several people try to enter the room. He sends them away.
It is just the two of us. I want to be with him. He comes to me. He begins to make love to me. I know I am a virgin and I give myself to him wholly, passionatley and without question.
This is my beautiful dream of surrender. I offer myself to Him in all my innocence, without reservation. I am in the belonging, fully allowing myself to be in His love. I am receiving Him from a place of deep desire and wanting. I come back to these two dreams often. As I have other dreams that show my my pathologies, my places and ways of disconnect, dreams that continue to show me where I do not choose to be with Him, I come back to these two dreams. In these dreams I know Him. I know the love. They ground me and make the space for me to continue to dig through the rest.
A dream from June 2007:
The Animus walks up behind me. He taps me on the shoulder. I turn and jump into his arms with me legs wrapping around him. There is nothing else in the world.
This dream is the place from which I want to be in my life. In the simplicity of this dream, just wrapped around Him. There is nothing more and nothing less.
I anxiously await the continued unfolding of this relationship with God. The continuing discovery of my essence, my soul, my child self. After all, I am a woman of God.