August 2008 - I am a devotional girl who loves God and I have a pathology that hates God. The devotional girl who loves God is who I am. I know her and am re-remembering who she is in me. I am re-becoming her and I have a pathology that hates God and wants to keep me from her.
When I first heard the words ‘you have a pathology that hates God’ a few months ago, I was shaken to the core. I had no idea. I was blind to this and I projected this hatred of God on my sister who loves God and is devoted to God. She has unabashedly declared herself to God in an open and public way. When she first did this over 25 years ago the pathology in me screamed, ‘She’s joined a cult. We’ve got to kidnap her, get her out of there.’ We did no such thing but I did turn my back on my sister. I shut her out. I tried to forget about her. I stopped mentally including her in my family. In everyway she was opening to a new way of life, I was shutting one out. My pathology is a cold, mean bitch and my sister got the full force of this. Truth was, I loved and missed her terribly and I couldn’t feel that. All I felt was anger.
And still today, I can forget to tell you about my sister. I still can hide that I have a sister who has devoted herself to God because then I have to be honest about myself. I have to “out” myself. I love God too. I am a devotional girl who loves God. I am a woman of God.
Dream: I see a girl, 4 years old or so, blonde hair, (oh, it’s me). She is playing and dancing and jumping around. She gets a crown placed on her head and plays and laughs and is so happy. She is all joy.
This is me. This is the me I know bathed in God’s love. This girl knows God’s love. She is open to his love. She is open and vulnerable and full of joy and energy. When I am not living in this place, which is not often enough, I live in isolation. I am alone because I have forgotten to go to her to be with her and Him. When I don’t feel her, I live a life of comparison. I compare myself to others and when I come up short, I live from a place of unworthiness. When I compare myself to others, and come up on top, I live from a place of pride. Comparing myself to others also leads to shame because I may not have done something right. And all this is a bunch of crap in which I still can believe and get lost. This is an old trick of the pathology to keep me away from the devotional girl and Him.
Vulnerability
The long arc of my spiritual journey is about vulnerability. My work is always about being open and vulnerable on some level. Being vulnerable has been and can still be very difficult for me. Vulnerability is the link to this devotional girl. They are one in the same. The girl is vulnerability. Vulnerability is the girl.
Dream: My husband is getting a dream strung by Marc. I asked Marc about it and he told me everything. I asked Dick how it went, he was mad. His dream was going to be strung in front of the whole group.
This is my anger coming up because I don’t want to be vulnerable.
Dream: I slept overnight at a friend’s house. I go down to the kitchen where breakfast choices are out on the island. Coffees, fruit, breads. I felt cared for and loved.
Problem is, where are my friends? I’m all alone here. There is no risk if I am all alone. If someone were there, then I would have to be vulnerable.
Dream: A group of us are staying overnight at a motel. I really like this man and I’m just sitting outside his room. Another man I know drives by on a tractor. The man I like opens the door and invites me inside. We immediately go to the bed. He’s naked and I’m touching him everywhere.
In this dream I am open and vulnerable. Waiting for him to open the door I feel the excitement and openness I have to him. I am open to his love.
My current work is to tell the devotional girl how sorry I am that I keep forgetting her and to be the girl with the Animus. With her, I can feel his love. I am vulnerable when I am the devotional girl who loves God.