December, 2005 - Dream: I'm talking with an old high school boyfriend, Ozzie. I'm standing in his front yard and he asks me, "Didn't we learn anything from each other when we were young?"
Am I the same person now that I was then? Do I still not know how to ask for what I need? Ozzie split up with his girlfriend for a short while in high school and we went out, got along great - I really liked him. Even though he liked me, too, he went back to his girlfriend. I was crushed, lost, it hurt me deeply, but I couldn't tell him how I felt.
I realize all the good guys I rejected or just didn't pursue them...it has hurt deeply again to see Ozzie. My homework is to ask him to STAY...please don't leave me...STAY.
I cried all through my teens, praying to God to bring me someone who cared enough to take me away from my family who had no time for me.
Dream:
I'm in a clothing store with a nice young man - the Animus. He asks me to help him find new pants. I measure him him to be sure to get the right size.
Here I am helping the Animus...I can't be with Him without helping Him. I've had many years of dreams with the Animus in them...this dream is supportive, but the Ozzie dream has stirred up more for me...the deep lost place that hasn't been felt since I was young, not even thought about.
This feeling has put me in a battle with pathology. I've been fighting non-stop since I had this dream.
When I'm with Ozzie, I feel anything is possible. I feel supported. When the pathology has me, it's incredibly difficult to stay in my homework. The PD makes me feel like Marc's bad child, afraid to move up to the student-teacher group. The PD makes me go blank when I try to write about it. Feels like a stranglehold on me. I worry about money, about my beat up, aging body, about business slowing way down during the winter...anything the PD can throw at me, it does. I've been in this distracted state most of my life...
When I reconnect to Ozzie and stay in my homework..."Ask Ozzie to stay with me - please don't leave"...then I feel the pain of my youth dissipate. There's a calmness and a loving support that wasn't part of my life then. If I could stay in this place I feel that I could live my passions and discover who I really am!
But the distractions are endless as I write this. Someone is here early for a lesson, they want me to go down to do it for them...pathology says go, you need the money...but I need to stay with Ozzie more...the lesson will wait...this is more important...ask Ozzie to stay with me.
The pathology tells me - O.K., you've done your homework for a while, now shut it off and give yourself a break. Go do something productive. Then it makes me go blank again...this is the stranglehold it has on me. If I'm not doing my homework, then the PD has me off on a tangent...I need to ask Ozzie to stay with me...when I stay with Ozzie I feel good. If I'm not with Ozzie, I must be in my pathology - hiding from myself and the world. I'm a hider.
Stay with me Ozzie....
September, 2005
I forget that I have needs and that I'm important. I feel like I'm a good person. I have a lot to offer. I deserve to give myself the time to follow through on what I need and to recognize and appreciate the gifts I have.
I frequently forget that person. I get busy and involved in my business and life and the mechanical android goes out into the world everyday, and the real me gets left behind on the night table by my bed with my dream journal. As if there are two ‘me’s. The person who goes out in the world, and the person I want to be. It is hard to change the habit of being The Persona of me, and bring the real me out instead.
I check the caller ID on the phone each day before listening to messages. It’s a habit, a defense. I recently saw the number that produced this defense mechanism...a South Dakota#...my brother....embodiment of my family’s pathologies all rolled up into one painfully lost soul ...the tireless comedian with no volume-control, full of sarcasm and judgment...I love my brother, but can't talk to him. He doesn't hear...only talks over you...very cutting. He and I were not friends as children. He needed so much from my folks, and they gave to him. My mother said I was an easy child, not demanding. So I withdrew all needs to accomodate. When Peter went to Vietnam we called a truce...I didn't want to lose him. It would have really crushed my folks.
When I moved out of Ev's house 2yrs ago I lost a small booklet of family health history, didn't intend to lose it...just happened... I've been beaten up over this every time he has called for 2yrs. OUCH!!! This is a place I don't want to go anymore. Reminds me of the calls from my mother for years, no matter what I did it was wrong...it resonates in this place where I hide. I don't want to be seen or heard cause I might be wrong.
Back when I was a child, I started to become independent in the wrong way, less demanding of my parent’s time. I tried to be the ‘easy child’ that mother needed me to be. Tried to please. As my brother got older, he got into more trouble and was more difficult for my parents. So I tried to be less difficult, to be less needy. I never asked for help, even when I knew I needed it. I remember win school there were times I needed help and I had a hard time asking for it. I didn’t ask my mother for much, I occasionally asked my father for math help. I learned early when someone looked like their plate was full that I didn’t have the right to have needs and ask for help. I see this is where it started. This is how I’ve become as an adult.
I feel so badly for Peter now. I see that he is confirmed in this judgmental place...cutting with a sharp edged sword...years of alchohol and drugs. He can't see beyond his nose...stuck in his head, listening to all the voices of bitterness, loss, pain. I see where he is and feel the tremendous loss of my entire family.
I must go forward...there is no going back there. I don't live there anymore!!!!! IT makes me weep, tears at my heart...but I know that I am loved, held in the arms of the Animus. Christa calls it the BIG love, and I do feel this love....from my NOE family and from the Animus and from HIM....one step at a time...beating back the pathology.
It's been 2 weeks since the retreat and I am late to check in. Partially pathology, but more that I came home to the busiest weeks of my season. There are lots of extra people and horses living at the farm for adult camp for carriage driving. My pathology wanted to send me into chaos, but the retreat has a tight hold on my heart still!!!
With the people came their pathologies, deep enough for my wheelbarrow skills. It made me sad to see so many people overrun by their feelings of inadequacy, shame, blame, and generally not believing in themselves. I felt my toes being close to run over a few times, but saw what was happening and stayed with the Animus. Not reacting to others crap...WHEW!!!!
I felt a place in my heart that I've only briefly been able to stay with before, but now feels whole and present. A connection to the Animus that allowed me to be safe and supported for who I am...stand back and observe how other people act and react...but not get caught in it. To be able to make a simple suggestion to someone which helped to guide their energy in a better direction. Last week would have been a classic chaos situation for me...in the past I would have felt responsible for everyone and their problems. It didn't happen. I seem to have a warriors armor on that deflects pathology. I know it will try to get in through some little chink in the armor, but I'll fight back harder! I finally see things coming and choose not to take it on. It's like hearing from two different places. One is my ears that hear more clearly now. The other is the PD place.....I quickly recognize that something doesn't sound right. I question, is this me and HIM or is this PD getting in? I feel this tender place in my heart that allows me to function without falling asleep. That's what the PD has done to me forever, lull me to sleep, become unaware that I had options. I have a right to my own feelings, poitive or negative.....I can make mistakes and not be perfect. It's OK to be uncertain or afraid. And it is OK to have needs and ask for help!!! Actually it's a good thing to ask for help. I feel growth and change and it feels good. I have to be right with myself at the end of the day. This is new for me. I'm leaving for a three day competition and I've packed my ARMOR.
I open the screen and go blank...way too familiar a place for me. I've been going at high speed for weeks and feel like a rat or gerbil on a wheel. The trick here is to figure out how to run my business more efficiently, not have it run me!!!!! I am actually in a much better place than I ever believed I could get to!! The pathology still keeps me busy...busy...busy...but I see it now and recognize what's happening. It feels so toxic when I've lost sight of myself. I had a dream that shows a shift in me.
I'm working on my farm with the Animus, we are very close...lots of support and love...it feels so positive...we talk about working side by side...shift......He is now working alone, on my farm. He takes a break and walks to a place where there is a headstone. He lays down next to the stone like a loyal dog, puts his arms around it...brings tears to my eyes. I feel his huge love for me, through the headstone. I know he is there for ME. It feels different than anything I've felt before. I know that's the old me. The support is there no matter what happens. I will stray probably often, get lost in the busy-ness, yet He is always waiting patiently for me to open my eyes and my heart...to accept HIS guidance. This is light years away from how I've lived my life. I don't feel responsible for other peoples’ crap. I know how the PD gets me hung up. I have a list of personal stuff that never gets done. I keep picking away at the list. Trying to give priority to some things and accept that it's OK to let some things go. This crap used to make me crazy...now I can let go of it. It is what it is!!!!! Now that I've checked in I don't feel so gerbil like. Off the wheel....on with the LOVE....YEEHAW!!!!!!!!!!