Infants and toddlers figure prominently in my dreams these nights. And I'm powerfully attracted to them. I can't get enough of touching and holding and kissing them. I think it's love but I've never felt this feeling before. The closest thing I relate it to is panicky, obsessions I had with men in my past. I have a deeper knowing though, that tells me it is love for myself. . . and Marc agrees. So I need to be with these babies.
To be with god. It sounds so easy... to be in a place of love and to stay there. Why would I or anyone want to be anywhere else? But lastnight I was swept back into the place of fear and shame and deep lonliness, which manifests in me as physical symptoms. My friend's mother had a heart attack and I found myself taking on the symptoms of a heart attack. I had pain and aches around my heart area, tingling up and down my left side. I lay there in bed thinking about all the heart disease in my family. I thought of the heart as symbolic of love and lack of experience with love.
Maybe my heart is dying of unuse, I decided. Maybe I'm finally opening my heart to love for the first time and wouldn't THAT be a melodramatic way to die... to be with god? As I considered these possibilities, I willed myself back to those irresistable babies. I held one tight against me and for that second I had no fear....even if it were my time to die. But something stronger pulled me out of that moment and fear prevailed. It's daylight now and just the sight of light brings optimism and hope into my being, and doing, and feeling.