Summer 2007 - Recent Dream: I am walking with a dog to a church to meet a man. I wonder who this man is that I am meeting in a church.
My homework was to go to the church to meet the man and don't feel guilty. This is the junction I am at in my work. One road takes me to be with the animus and the other takes me to my guilt and shame. It is fear that keeps me from the animus. When I get to the junction my fear is there. If I turn back I go to the shame and guilt where I have lived most of my life. When I face my fear I can walk to the church. I am with the animus. I am a woman of God.
As a very young child I believed there was something wrong with me. Having been neglected by my mother I was malnourished, dirty and emotionally deprived. I was betrayed by my mother. I felt alone at all times. I learned to take care of myself. I was unable to love or be loved. One of my early dreams I brought to Marc was:
I am at a shopping mall and I see a six month old baby all alone in the entrance way. She is crying hysterically. There is a diaper bag several feet away. I then become the baby and walk to the diaper bag, get out a bottle and go back and sit down to drink.
My homework was to be the baby and feel the pain of not having anyone take care of me. The pain was unbearable. "Dirty Dorothy" grew up enveloped in shame. The feelings of unworthiness were overpowering.
To hide my fear of being alone I developed a mask that was impenetrable. It was more than a mask it was a full body armor. This is my pathology Marc calls "ice woman". She is cold, aloof, witty, competent and numb. She is a seductress and a caretaker. She takes care of people from a place of guilt and responsibility. She has no needs. She wants you to like her so she tells you what you want to hear. She lies and betrays. She projects onto others. She is 'dressed to the nines' with every hair in place. She is unapproachable.
Most of my work in the last year has been around my marriage. It has been the most difficult place for me to stand up for myself, feel vulnerable and ask for what I need. I have learned that by speaking my truth my marriage is stronger. I am no longer compromising myself. I have learned to forgive and be forgiven. My fear of being alone kept me from the truth. But in my truth I am not alone.
Recent Dream:
There is a woman in my yard. I tell her to get off of my land. I pin her down and tell her to stop flirting with my husband. She says that he was flirting also.
My homework was to believe in who I am becoming. I have the ice woman pinned down. Although she is still present in my dream I am separate from her. I am, however, still projecting onto my husband.
When I arrived on Marc's doorstep ten years ago he told me that I had so much self loathing that I had to reject anyone who loved me. I believed there must be something wrong with them. I didn't know what he meant but I knew he was onto something. My life was in shambles. I had turned away from my husband who loved me yet I couldn't be alone. The self loathing was with me 24/7.
It has been ten years since I started the work. I am gradually taking off my mask. My many regrets have helped me to change. There is a sweet person in there that has been lost most of my life. I love and I can be loved. I have needs. I am special. I am not alone. I am a woman of God.
My most recent dream:
I am at a bank with my brother Freddie (who committed suicide 27 years ago when he was 26). I am getting him $300 for a trip he is taking. A man cuts in line and I tell him to get out. Then I realize he is the animus. I appologize and he introduces himself to me. He stays with us.
Freddie has returned to me in spirit and I offer him money. The animus is there to show me what I am doing. I am caretaking. I offer him money - not love. My homework is to be with Freddie who is with the animus.
The only way I have been able to do this homework is to go way back to when we were children and I loved Freddie from my heart. I imagine us lying on the couch together tickling each others feet. This is the Freddie who has returned to me to show me the way to the animus. The me Freddie is looking for is a tender, loving, big sister. She is not a caretaker. She offers love - not money. Today at the women's group I felt Freddie's love with me. I felt his love for me. I felt my genuine love for him - my willingness to meet the animus from this place.