Dream - A woman offers me a drink, but, its only 10 o’clock in the morning. I’m not the least bit interested. I feel repelled by her and decline her offer. Her reaction is angry and resentful. She pours her drink down the sink. I look over to see her 3 year old daughter, sad, neglected, abandoned, crumpled on the floor. She has sores on her legs. Seeing her strikes a deep deep chord of pain in me. I know her pain.
This little girl is me.
This dream was a turning point in my work, for, with this dream, I could clearly see my predicament. I understood, underneath my mask of confidence, competency, aloofness, independence, and strength, lies this little girl - the one resented by her Mother and utterly alone. Wanting love, needing love, but lost and alone in the world.
Unconsciously, my life has evolved to protected me from admitting this and feeling her/my pain.
Contrary to what one might expect, rather than being horrified by realizing this child is me, with all her pain and sadness, I felt utter relief. Knowing she is my true self, who I was before I adapted, has given me a much clearer understanding of my struggle and the opposing forces that have shaped me. The truth of the little girl with sores on her legs is so so much more real than my pretend and compensatory life of competency and success. When I found her, the need to create or present myself as someone I am not and never have been, diminished, and I could be more real. The persona I created to replace her, was my defense against the trauma of this tiny child.
I didn’t know it at the time, but for most of my life, I have been pretending … pretending to be someone other than this child. Each moment was run through the filter of “ will this get me love, or at least, approval, and if not, then how can I manage things in a way that will make me feel OK ”? I experienced life as a test that I either passed or failed. I have been controlled by the tyrannical voice of a brutal inner judge. I observed myself through the eyes of the world, the eyes of the judge, always trying to figure out how I was perceived by others and what it was they wanted that would make me acceptable.
I learned how to be reasonable. How to be nice and friendly. I learned how to be appropriate in my responses and reactions. My values were “good” and my life style exemplified them. I considered (pretended) myself awake and generous and righteous, but, in truth, believing the lie caused me to judge others. I heartlessly judged myself.
Independence was a reaction to my childhood trauma and has evolved throughout my years into what Marc and I refer to as “the coyote”. Coyote says “I need no one and therefore, I will be safe and nothing can affect me”!
As A child I became willful and rebellious and marched forth into the world a tiny self contained being. I learned to meet my own needs or, better yet, denied them completely. I forgot what love was, I forgot what intimacy was. Deep within me, but even hidden from myself, I was scared, alone, full of shame, desperate for love and connection. But, who would have guessed! From the outside I appeared on top of it all, totally together, lived a beautiful life. This was my lie. Inside, hidden, my heart and soul was lost to me.
The dream of the little girl with sores on her legs, along with a previous series of similar dreams, taught me about this pretending way in which I lived. I can feel her reality so deeply in my core now. For the first time in my life I know who I am - not who I wish I was or aspire to be - but who, in essence, I am. At my core I am who I was before I lost myself - sweet, scared, vulnerable , innocent and loved by God. Anything else is a fabrication created to accommodate the resentful, unloving dark Mother. When I loose my connection with this little girl, which I do, I become the one who is pretending, or I become the lone coyote who needs no one.
I struggle to unlearn the independence, to allow myself to be vulnerable and feel my needs. The coyote isolates me from being in deeper relationship with everything. Coyote seeks safety, is very wary and highly defensive. Coyote has a solitary intelligence that wants to figure things out on its own. Coyotes safe world of self containment can feel so comfortable, reasonable and normal, often a blind spot I don’t catch … BIG score for the demon who wants to keep me out of relationship and away from the greater love. On the other hand, the little girl with sores on her legs needs others, wants to be included, shown, helped, and guided. She longs for relationship and to be held by others. These are two remarkably strong forces at battle within me.
Knowing who I am, who I identify with in each moment, Coyote or little girl, is my work.
Dream - I am walking along a remote ocean bay with my old dog Barley. In the bay, hundreds of sea mammals are at play, otters, dolphins, seals … Out in the big sea I can see hundreds of whales breaching. I feel incredible awe and delight. Out of the woods jumps a giant polar bear who swipes away my dog and carries her off to sea. I’m scared and don’t want Barley to suffer. Barley hangs limp in the polar bears grasp.
In this dream Barley is showing me where I must go. She is showing me that I need to surrender to the great and mighty power of the bear. I need to be dragged off to sea … into the unknown spiritual realm where my true heart dwells.
I have been in this work for over 3 years now and had many dreams showing that I remain an observer to this mighty power, just as shown in the above dream as I watch Barley being dragged away. I have had numerous dreams of being stalked by large cats, lions, cougars, Lynx and jaguars. In every one of those dreams, my intention is to remain safe. As long as I seek safety in the face of these great powers, my dreams are showing that my true passion , my heart, my soul, the little girl, aren’t there. But, coyote is, hiding behind any door or shrub it can find.
The temptation to live a safe life is compelling, it is familiar. I know how to manage, how to negotiate in the world from this place. I can hide there. But, in that place I am separate from the lions, the polar bear, the Animus and from my true heart. There, I am no more than a lone coyote trying to survive in this harsh world. As scary as it is to face into the unknown, to look doubt right in the eye and proceed regardless, it’s what I want. I want my full self! But, knowing that I want this Great Love isn’t enough! I need to die to it. It wont just come simply because I know something about it and believe myself to be sincere. The opposition is eternally tenacious and doesn’t just give up, looking else where for its prey. It wants my very heart and soul. I was given this dream to help.
Dream - A great bull stands before me with head bowed. Upon its huge huge horns is a helmet of polished leather and silver. I pull it off. Relieved of the enormous weight of the helmet, the powerful bull thrashes and tosses its head. Its horn brushes my arm and I stand back.
The bull wants to gore me any time I feel an impulse to be small. Small means I, me in my fullness, is not there! He tosses his massive head and his horn threatens me again. The bull wants to kill the shame, the meek, diminished, scared to be seen, all around scared to be demon within me. The bull HATES the smallness in me. I hate the smallness in me! I hate the demon that tells me I’m wrong or unlovable or don’t belong. I hate the thing that keeps me from tossing my giant and mighty horns about, that wants to keep me small, isolated, and unworthy. The thing that wants to protect me from living a full and dangerous life, keep me down and numb and safe and in control.
I pray “ Give me my big heart! Don’t let them take away my feelings no matter how hard or scary or painful or unbearable. I want to feel every colour, every smell, every tragic moment, every trace of delight and music and passion and more and more and more until I am completely consumed”. This is my true hearts desire.
October 2007
My need to feel OK has controlled my life. I have lived from the place of “ me against them” in a posture of constant defense. My relationship with love has been very shallow, dependent upon the rewards and affirmations I might glean from the world. Living life from outside of myself I have been deeply disconnected from my heart and all the feelings that tell me who I really am, what is happening within, what the real me thinks and feels. I have turned to the world for all this information - used the world as my mirror and guide. I ask the world to tell me “am I OK?” and have let the world answer. I have listened to it as my judge. Seeking definition out side of self has steered me into a life ruled by shame, pride and judgement - the voices that kept my true heart from being known.
Until I began the dreamwork, my feeling life was especially shallow, although you might not have guessed it. I presented a very together person - strong, capable, solid … self righteous in my spiritual and political beliefs. I presented a compassionate and enlightened front that hid the poisonous self and worldly judgments I really felt. I thought my level of self awareness was advanced. I pretended, even to myself, to be someone I wasn’t. I so wanted to be this person! I wanted to be “good” and honest and “above it all”.
I cultivated a personality that was strong and non reactive. I felt pride in being so level headed and calm in the face of emotion. In truth, my depth of feeling was very shallow. I was so out of touch with my real self, so disconnected from my feelings. Nobody was home.
The need to be OK (as well as the need to believe I’m not) confirms the emptiness. Looking to the world for love and answers confirms the emptiness of my vessel. Without a connection to Self and Source, shame, ever present, ran the show and determined my state of being... a state of unworthiness, self doubt and isolation. To which pride could sooth, assuring me I didn’t need anyone anyways. With an inner judge monitoring every word I uttered, every move I made, the good/bad, OK/not OK filter was dense with sludge. In truth, my life was about pretending - disguised in a wholesome, happy, competent camouflage. It took two years of work with Marc and my dreams to begin to uncover the truth of the emptiness.
The emptiness happened when the World became my Source.
Dream:
I see a child going for a dog with garden shears. I yell at her, protecting the dog, sure the baby will hurt him. Shift - I become the 9 month old baby. I feel my absolute delight for the dog, my innocents and vulnerability. But, as I crawl towards him, I am isolated from him by the adult.
This dream was given to me just before the 2007 summer retreat. It was a pivotal dream that cracked open the depth and pain of my separation and isolation. Previous to this dream, I wasn’t able to stay in the depth of this pain. Instead, I avoided it - pretending otherwise. I so wanted to be OK and to protect myself from the attack I projected onto the world. This pretending and defending, for the most part, has been unconscious and habitual … so second nature to me that I could not recognize it until recently. This pretending/defending is my own inner separation/isolation made manifest in the world ... this is the adult of my dream.
Marc would use the word “ dishonest” to describe me which I didn’t understand. Me, dishonest? I thought dishonesty was deliberately lying. It took a long time to recognize my pretending. I thought I was trying, not pretending. And my TRYING was so sincere! I tried so hard to be good and do it right!!! I was tricked by the sincerity and couldn’t see the lie in “trying” (trying to be someone I wasn’t ... hmmm? seems so obvious, doesn’t it?).
The dreams don’t lie. They clearly showed I was experiencing deep separation, even if I couldn’t feel it.
Because of the Dreamwork, my feeling life has awakened. I have access to myself, to my needs, my desires, my passion. I still get confused, off track, and lost, but not for so long, nor so far. I can turn within to find my way - or not - but at least knowing the truth of where I am. Shame still inhabits my body, but I recognize it , feel it now and have stopped pretending otherwise. In acknowledging the truth the shame can no longer control my life.
Last week I had this dream:
I was standing in my kitchen using the blender. When I looked up, two big men were towering over me. Afraid, I left.
When I woke from this dream my heart broke open with pain - the pain of knowing these two big potent men were Animus, come for me, and I had left! I wept with the pain of my separation.
But, from the centre of that pain, something shifted. I started to feel Their love .. I knew they would be back. And come back and come back for as long as it takes for me to stay. And I didn’t just know it in my head, I knew it from my heart. I could feel Their love and commitment to my healing/connection - no matter what. At the same time, I understood that all the Archetypes in my dreams, as well as all the incredible folks in NOE, are working with these men - holding me in their love and commitment - showing me the way. They are on my side.
I have spent a lifetime managing and manipulating my way to love, defending against attack, operating from a place of lack and opposition. Believing I must do something, be someone to get love. To feel this love -- to know it is promised for me, to be working with The Love, rather than against it, is a miracle.
Here I am … beginning to feel The Love. The love that only asks I be true to myself. The love that isn’t promised only if I change and then rewarded when if/when I do. Love that doesn’t care if I drive an SUV or a Prius, use a gas drier or the sun, vote democrat or republican … The Love that only cares about my soul and its relationship with The Divine.
A new journey begins here.