December 8, 2005 - I made a decision to join the NOE student/teacher group two days ago . I felt both afraid and energized. I chose to make the shift regardless of my fear. Today Ive been bombarded by my pathology: Condemnation/Judgment: Why didn't I take my B vitamins today? Unworthiness: I cant do this work. I cant stay at this job. I'm so unworthy of this. Blah, blah, blah.
In spite of my pathology's vigilant attempts to undermine my having a true relationship with God I am living through, moving through, the fear and terror Ive known. I became practiced in reaction each time fear came up. Id react not thinking or understanding how unsuited my reaction was to the new situation . I created a fantasy world to mask the ugliness and fear Id experienced. I didn't understand how Id been trained in deception. As I grew older I attempted to control relationships projecting what Id learned. The examples I had supported that kind of thinking and believing. In doing what I knew to survive I created a formidable fortress meant for my protection. Id become a hider and a very good one at that. I trusted NO ONE.
Last year I was given the title; "President of the Hiders Club". For a short time I was almost proud of it. In spite of my best efforts to not be seen I was noticed. Hiding is a big pathology of mine. If I'm hiding I'm not showing up and not being honest. When the reality of what it meant to be "EL PRESIDENTI" not just a hider, sank in, I finally got it. The titling exposed my pathology and sooo many other veiled aspects of it. I knew I needed to be seen and I wanted to be seen. Even though it all seemed very scary.
After years of growing up in pathological darkness I simply chose to disappear. With the help of clever pathologies at work 24-7 I bought the economy package; "Get me out of here Quick". At the time I experienced the traumas it made sense for me to hide. However through years of such behaviors my hiding became habitual. I believed hook, line and sinker there was no other way, no help and certainly no support in this world for the wicked child I believed I was.
More of the complexity and control of my pathology was brought to light during strings through the dream work. Several of my dreams were used revealing the eclipsing of both the dark mother and dark father. The eclipsing created a bloodspot, keeping my pathology at the helm while I stewed in confusion and other less subtle deceptions. I slipped away from the essence born to me convinced I was not worthy. I needed to find my way out from beneath my pathologies. I stayed hidden behind the thick walls of my strange fortress. I was beginning to understand the fortress intended to protect me had become my prison. I was shrouded in guilt, feeling despair, unworthiness and shame. Ive hoped and prayed for an honest relationship with God. Ive yearned for so long, even with my pathology at its height.
When I began the dream work I found myself in the thick of all my despair and longing. I was in reaction, at the edge of my trauma and darkly veiled pathological malaise. I was in a closed down state screaming mad and unable to feel or understand why my relationships were so unhealthy. I felt like I was dying. It is amazing and also not that I chose in my despair to try the dream work. Id reached the point of giving up. Now in retrospect I see the importance of my going into the work in such a state. I would need to became fully responsible and diligent in identifying my pathologies and doing even the most difficult assignments to succeed in this work and to feel alive again.
The first dream I brought to session was recurring. I described it then as a nightmare.
Dream: I'm running through the woods in absolute terror. I believe I'm being chased by bears. I believed the bears mean to maul and kill me. I kept running.
What continued to show in my dreams repeated in one form or another, demonstrating how I ran from the bear(s). I turned my back on any help/support holding onto the false belief I was undeserving. This was cleverly disguised by the pride of shame I harbored, appearing as: "I can do it myself" and "I don't need any help". Id be damned if Id let anyone know I really did need help. The eclipsing of pathologies kept me from recognizing this fully. I thought I was in control or when it was clear to me how out of control life really was for me I could only hope no one noticed. All the while I was hiding in terror crying out for someone somehow to see me.
This has not been an easy journey. Ive had to push through absolutely frightening and often paralyzing pathologies. One assignment after another. The dream became my life line back to my child, to my innocence, to my essence. I knew it was my choice> to do the work or not. I chose to do it for my sake, for my goodness I tried far too long to keep myself buried and unseen by the world.
Another recent homework; "go to the man while I'm in my fear".
Dream: I'm with other young children. There are some adults with us. I believe the grown ups intend to abduct us and do us harm. I see a path where I believe some children tried to escape. It goes down a steep bank to railroad tracks. (This scene is on a street in the town I grew up in). I am terrified. Shifts- I am a young mother sitting in the back seat of a car with my infant. I am trying to nurse him and cant because I am so afraid. I'm watching two of my young children with some adults. I believe the adults intend to abduct them with my baby.(this site is in the village of the same town.) I am terrified. Shifts- I am in an apartment in the basement of a house with my eldest daughter and grand child. They move to another room and I am in the bathroom beginning to prepare a shower for myself. I am afraid someone else is there and for a moment I think I should hide. Instead I choose not to hide in spite of how frightened I am. The door opens slowly and a man peers in. I am so relieved saying, "You came back". I go to him as he enters fully and I embrace him and he me in turn.
In the first two parts of this dream I revisit the places where significant traumas occurred in my life. The fear I felt then was appropriate to those experiences.
This is huge!
I continued hiding in support groups, in mentoring groups, in my dreams and sessions, and in everyday life. Slowly but surely all is changing I'm recognizing how I remain hidden. Even when I believed I was truly present. I saw myself apart form who I am truly.
As I understand being in the Student /Teacher group will intensify my work. There will be no hiding places for the lame pathologies now to squirm their way lose and retreat to hiding. The idea is to expose all the hiding places. The pathologies don't even like the thought of exposure. Now I feel different energy. I'm not afraid all the time and feeling his sweet presence more often,
My most recent homework: Dive into the water to be with the bear.
Dream: I'm standing at the edge of water and feeling energy and excitement. I see a huge bear in the water. Voice is spewing negative ideas in an attempt to warn me away from he bear. Instead I dive in.
In doing this homework I find a feeling of refreshing gladness to feel the hugeness of this great beast. I feel like a child holding on to my father. There have been moments when I couldn't feel his body there but was ok because I felt his presence. I am delighted and much less in my fear.