April, 2011: I had a dream where I am in this stream in space, moving in and moving as part of this huge stream. My work is to let myself be part of this stream.
I feel in this stream right now. It is where I land when I stay with my yearning for him. It is where I land when I wield the sword. Except there is no landing here in the stream. I can feel how the urges I had to complain about being tired or about this all being too much is about resistance to being in this stream where there is no landing.
On some level I had gotten used to touching into this stream but always keeping one foot in the outer world. Never letting myself be completely out of control the way that I feel here in this stream. I have the image of these ropes that have kept me anchored or literally moored to the outer world. In this yearning for him, there is a repulsion to these moorings and a fierce desire to cut every last rope, every last thread.
It is scary to write this, to name how completely apart from the world I feel right, how much a part of his world that I feel. There have been several times over the last few days that Sue has asked me how I am and I have really stumbled over finding words for my feelings. All the pain that I feel, all the fear that I feel, all the love that I feel, every feeling I have feels different in this place. All of it is mine and yet I feel all of it as part of this bigger stream of his that I am in.
So at the same time that this pain is unbearable, it is also just what it is, because I am actually not bearing it. The pain is in me and I am in it. I feel this same relationship to the love. I suddenly have so much love to give and yet it is not mine to give. It is just here in this stream in me and all around me.
Late March, 2011
My homework: To be the girl in her very physical yearning/need for Him, to have the sword everywhere I go and be in the potency of cutting off Paul's head.
Where am I in relation to this. I feel a deep pain and ache that I have been with for over a week. Pain that comes up in me when I live in this yearning, when I live in this potency. I feel like I am walking around slashing heads off everywhere I go. This has really opened up for me in tutorial class where as a teacher I feel that sword and I am finally moving through my resistance to using it.
Each and every time I choose to stay inside and speak what I see the pain opens up. It is still counter intuitive to understand how much this potency comes from feeling my yearning but I am starting to get it. Feeling my yearning for the animus breaks the way that I have projected this need out on to the world. I have always believed that there was something in the world that I needed to do or find or somebody to be with or some other story.
In my yearning for Him that all disappears in some way. There is an autonomy that is new to me in this place because when I feel this then I simply don't care about anything else. This yearning sweeps me up in a way and pulls me out of this world into a whole other realm of feeling and being.
Everything is starting to look and feel different from this place.
There is a constant pain but no real desire to jump away from this pain. The pain feels held in my relationship to the yearning. It is like the part of me that feels the yearning actually understands the pain in some way that breaks the impulse to do something about it.
Meanwhile in the world I feel free to be honest in a way that I never have. With Sue learning to just say when something feels off in our relationship, not worrying in some way about all the voices that are trying to figure out the repercussions of what my heart wants to speak. Yes maybe she will feel hurt, yes maybe this is your pathology, yes, yes, yes and I don't care. I am tired of not exploring what is here for me in the moment.
I am tired of not using the sword to set a boundary between me and the world. Tired of not being okay with being apart from anyone and everyone. Tired of trying to contort myself in some way to fit into some image of who I think I am supposed to be.
There is a liberation in the tutorial class of saying what I see as a teacher and not letting myself get dragged into the spinning that happens in reaction to that. It was an amazing thing the other night with Sue to just stop the email teaching that we were doing with the student therapists. To recognize that what had been great in the first few weeks had turned into something that was becoming part of the spinning. To use the sword to just say no this isn't working anymore.
To use the sword to make enough space to feel my yearning for Him and to then stay in that yearning when I am with Sue. To use the sword to keep me from any of my old stories about my need coming from a pathological place, to actually feel innocence in my desire........