My work right now is to allow the nearly unbearable potency of the animus to hold me, enter me. He holds me from behind so I can let go of control. This comes only after I could speak the truth and tell the child that her mother is a drunk.
Dream:
I’m playing guitar in a beautiful field. A man comes with his bass and wants to play together. I am shy and say I need to pick up my daughter. He invites me to meet him later at a special swimming hole – I agree.
I meet my daughter who is really the daughter of a friend with a drinking problem. I feel the girl’s pain. She tells me her mother worries about her. I tell her that her mother loves her.
I didn’t tell her the truth. So, I spent a week telling the child “your mother’s a drunk!”, over and over until I finally got it! I protect the child from the drunk mother when really the drunk mother is me. I numb out when I don’t stay in the potency. I choose partners that prove to me it is unsafe to be vulnerable. I project the numbness on them, then protect the child. I get to look good and I don’t have to be vulnerable because it’s not safe.
Dream:
I’m at a busy party, it feels chaotic. I remove myself, go for a walk. I see a door ajar in an old building. I peek in and see a stone chamber. I enter…it has that special damp smell…I see an ancient alter with a carved tiger head. I hear someone outside. I don't want them to see. I quickly go out and know I will be back.
This dream gave me the tremendous gift of showing me an inner sacred place that is truly mine. I have hidden this place from everyone, including myself, when I am busy in the world. I am so afraid that if it is discovered I will lose it. In this place I am still, I feel Him holding me and I feel the potency. This is a very vulnerable, very powerful, very deep place for me and I am learning how to bring this into the world with my fear of it dissipating. My fear has kept me from sharing this place or being there in the presence of others.
My pathology tells me I will feel alone and abandoned.
My mother left me, and my three older siblings, when I was five. My father was emotionally unavailable, my closest sister became competitive, there wasn’t enough love to go around, I was alone. I learned to look outside myself and my family for affirmation and approval. I learned to be likable, easy going, adaptable. I also learned not to ask for help or show any sign of vulnerability. I became SUPER INDEPENDENT and moved away from my family and into my own apartment when I was 15.
I got really good at pleasing others. I became successful in the world and BUSY. So busy, I took a break from dreamwork while working full time and raising six kids; my three and my partner’s three. My spiritual path went into hiding. It was too precious to expose to all this business. Then, after ten years of and building a life with my partner and our children, I discovered he had been lying to me repeatedly about aspects of his life he felt shameful about. I was devastated…I felt betrayed and disillusioned…I came back to the dreamwork. After repeating the same pattern in the next relationship I knew there was something for me in this dynamic.
I realize how I support this half-truth place. What I thought was a spiritual connection to my partner was a strong sense of idealism, a beautiful, foggy, inebriated place, merging with my partner, losing my sense of self. This is the drunk mother that numbs to the truth to feel safe, comfortable. My girl is calling me to wake up to this.
Now that I have been shown this sacred place I have been hiding and protecting, I know I don’t need to compromise. He is there with me. I'm not interested in being with people who don't want me from this place. I'm not charming and not interested in convincing others of what I know. I am fiercely protective of this place. I am so sad because I am letting go of people I love and patterns I am comfortable with. I am so scared because I feel my whole world is changing, I don’t know who I am…
This sacred space has become a gage for all I encounter in my life. If I would not invite someone or something into this space, it does not interest me. I’m done with playing the games of the world, the gyroscopy. There is nowhere I would rather be than being held in this sacred place.