ALLIGATOR TEARS
My father’s birthday’s in September
Turns 80 first day of the fall
His health is hanging on, still got lots of kick
But that number, well, you wonder bout it all
Man there’s so much I want to tell you
I can’t imagine where to start
So I’ll just sit right here and let it all come out
God help me throw the valve that stops my heart
We walked a beach once, Carolina
It must be fifteen years ago
The gulls were squawking, it was windy, it was cold
You were speaking truths I didn’t want to know
I heard you harping bout decisions
Said you cared and that was why
You felt the need to lay it all out in the sand
I was messing up and then you stopped to cry
You were sorry, oh so sorry, for the things that I had done
What I heard was, heed my words son, get a life cause you got none
So I lit out of there as fast as I could go
Couldn’t take those alligator tears
That’s how I’ve judged them every time that he chokes up
More often now with all these passing years
Seems so strange to know that that was what I thought
That he could fake his love for me
As if I myself could simply turn that faucet on
And my apple falls directly from his tree
You were sorry, oh so sorry, for the things that I had done
What I heard was, heed my words son, get a life cause you got none
Then last visit we were downstairs, my old room
The scene of all my jumbled youth
With your harmonica we found some common ground
But it was time to play a song that spoke some truth
I chose the one about my darling little girl
The one I never make it through
I felt the tears well up and let them all come out
It seemed like there was nothing left to do
You were sorry, oh so sorry, for the things that I had done
What I heard was, heed my words son, get a life cause you got none
So I was standing there and sobbing through my song
But not self-conscious in the least
Not feeling silly or embarrassed or all wrong
Seems the demon that belittles me had ceased
My vision blurred so much I couldn’t see your face
But I could hear you just the same
And it felt so good to hear you crying right out loud
As though your tears could somehow ease my pain
You said sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry for you son
You said sorry, you were sorry, as if our pain were truly one
Something happened that day in that basement room
Some things I’ll never understand
But from that moment on my life has somehow changed
At 55, I’m 21, a man
And I’m sorry, Dad I’m sorry, that I’ve often judged you wrong
Yes I’m sorry, I’m so sorry
I’ve been weak but now I’m strong
My father’s birthday’s in September
We’ll celebrate this special year
I pray you live to greet 100, dear old man,
I’ll toast you, Dad, through alligator tears