This past week I’ve come to identify another bit of pathology. I’ve seen myself so clearly triggered into caretaker mode when a disability is displayed. Like with the handicap sign on the suv. I saw myself cave or to my daughter when she cried I felt the tug when in a second situation with the place I first met with the suv. I feel sick to my stomach when I give in. I now realize I have yet again given away my power or better said my potency the same time I react to the disability. I have done this throughout my life. The “place” I experience the giving in is attached to the reaction. I’ve noticed I have myself some what boxed in with this one since I’ve had so many “places” in this state to react to. This is so uncomfortable to see and then admit to. I have trouble remembering names but have photographic memory of every “place” I’ve ever been. The image I have of myself is deeply ingrained. I fear what I see of myself exposed in pathology.
There’s more… I’m terrified to expose all. But I can’t stand to feel this yuck and shame anymore. I told the truth of so many lies I just brushed away for the better part of my life and in the face of everyone. I didn’t get this ‘til these last three days and I am mortified to say this. I have had thoughts of superiority, being better than, the best (or will be). I thought I could only have an intimate relationship with one who knew me so well. Turns out it was all a lie. I apologize for being false in face of your sweet honesties. I could all this time brush aside this lie staying trapped and not letting anyone in. I thought-- no one need ever know because this wasn’t dishonest. I knew I could rise above these fantasies, this pretending. Well I couldn’t and the fact that I tried to do this on my own was another lie. So, I had to speak it. I had to write it down so I wouldn’t forget in terror of being seen. I bold facedly lived this to the hilt. I denied intimacy with anyone. I cringe to think how I lived this lie. I thought if no one knew I lived in this pretentious world, there would be no hurt --- why should anyone need to know. This is the pathology that held together my world. I have no idea what will come of this telling. I am terrified and sad. I didn’t see. I couldn’t show up with this. I immediately brushed the thoughts aside as they crept into my mind until I got the dishonesty of this action. I had made these thoughts unimportant because I couldn’t own them.
The fantasies and grandiose thoughts of superiority are pride. There are other components that I’m sure played part in the development of my living in these lies/ fantasies. I’ve talked often enough of my other life experiences however, this has outlived them all.
There wasn’t time left at the end of this session to work dreams. Here’s the one; I am given an assignment and I cry in terror. Well this is my assignment; the least of what I wanted to have to do; that is tell all of you who I have been; the liar.
I humbly give this up, Jane