Arrival
I see now why you could not accept my offerings before this.
They were fragile, and I was so broken.
Always hungry, and mistaking myself as weak.
Now I stand in flames, holding myself out to you, fully formed.
Winged and jeweled.
For so long I thought I had to kneel before you.
Crawl, bow.
But I have walked all this way to find you waiting,
with this tin crown you pounded into fireworks for me,
and I stand as we lean to one another.
Your neck smells like stems (or is it mine?). Tingling.
You tell me once the crown is on it will remain forever.
“I know,” I think,
But to you I speak,”Yes. Yes.”
The crown feels like hands in my hair,
and causes something to rise from the ground
and open through me. Connecting me to you. To everything.
All I have known before this has disappeared.
When I taste my mouth, I know it is yours.
The water you drink is me.There is no separation, no time.
Only our rythm, our rest, our deepening.
It is all I want.
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I am learning to accept. Accept the love and what it does to me. No, I am
learning not just to accept it, but WELCOME it, encourage it. Prowl and howl and
grunt and giggle because of it.
THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS. I can’t believe it. I feel maniacal. I want to buy sexy lingerie and have a piece of it showing at all times. I want to hug and kiss everyone I see. At night I wear nothing but a wooden sword in a rope holster to wash the dishes, brush my teeth. I pretend I’m a warrior from the Soul Caliber 2 video game, I’ve got divine power, baby!
Guess what else? I’m scared. How deep it all is scares me. It’s like the deeper I go the more speed I get, because I’m going home inside myself. And I can really feel that it is happening.
I’m getting all sweaty writing this. I want to stand up, to walk away. I want to take off out the door and run miles and miles.Why is it so hard to sit with this, to actually write down what is going on?
I had a dream that I was spending the day with the animus. He bought me a beautiful delicate purse for $2 at some antique store, and then we went into the other room and played on these trapeezes. I kept letting go and letting him catch me, the whole time with my eyes closed. We were in this groove, man, I’ll tell you what. He left the room to pee and I went to this mantle where he had been standing. Sitting there were these two rings of mine that I bought myself when I REALLY decided to commit to myself and my happiness (I call them my wedding rings), and this big ring, similar to one of mine, that I knew was his. They were all linked together, making this little chain of us.
I woke up and my first thought was “HE LOVES ME!!!We’re going to be together forever!!!!!!!!!”
A few days later I wrote the poem (above).
I want to have a party. I want to tell the world!!! But the thing is, I also feel quiet about it. Prescious and sneaky, like I have a surprise or something. Or like I KNOW the surprise, which feels even more special. It’s impossible not to share it somehow, because it is written all over my face, present in all that I do think and say. I’m so grateful for it all. The fear, the pain, the love. I feel it SO MUCH, and I am so glad that I do.