The tiny baby the Animus birthed is getting bigger. She is knock-kneed and sloppy and sings songs everywhere she goes. I miss being the baby, though I can feel her, there is so much more coming. She talks to me. They both do, and I am so glad. I don't want to be with anyone else. But I have to, because I have this annoying outer life or whatever, so lately I am sad. I can feel my whole life falling off me. Like I'm walking off a cliff over and over and over again. Now that I write this, I can feel how it has been happening for some time now. Longer than I thought. This, what I'm experiencing now, is an extension of the newborn, all of the JOY....I swear, I was my essential self for two weeks straight, the entire truth of who I am. And then something cracked, some shame seeped in, maybe. I assume it was shame, since that's such a spot for me, though I can't recall anything specific. There was a moment where I became self-conscious, which is shame for me, so. Whatever it is, I'm in it. This different place, this older girl now.
I had homework to be this boy who gave me this muffin in a dream I had. To receive from this boy, also I AM the boy. But the girl I've become, she was like no no no, that's not it. And she was right. The muffin boy? She just took the muffin and eased on down the road on her own. I can receive. I'll take it. Gimme gimme (please). There's nothing there for me. I don't need someone else to tell me what I feel and know in my heart. I can be WITH the muffin boy, but I'm not done being the girl. Just last week, I couldn't even walk, and she taught me so much. Now I can cross the street by myself. I need to listen to her more. Walk in her shoes.
I am scared and this opens me and gives me hope. I love the girl so much. Being her. She is who I was but never allowed myself to be. She is the real me that I left for dead twenty-two years ago. Sometimes I can't even believe it, this life, all the aliveness, all the pain and struggle. I feel so lucky, really. I am so grateful.
Even the other day, when I was schizophrenic with pain and shame/bullshit. I kept coming out of it and thinking, "Why is this happening? Why am I back here?" It is such a dank and out-of-heart place. I hate it hate it hate it. I used to live there permanently. It's been a long time. I thought I'd left it behind for good, but I guess not. Just got to keep moving on through it, for however long, I guess. Yummy muffin.