What brought the pain to the surface was a dream. Though I’m not sure what the dream “means,” I know that everything has felt different since I had it.
In the dream, I am in a room full of people I do not know. I don’t feel connected to any of them, which feels okay. I watch as a young man I work with (and have difficulty with) comes out of a room with his ex-girlfriend. They are holding a tiny tiny baby. As soon as I see them, I start to cry. As they get closer, I cry harder. My throat and stomach feel big, but not big enough to release all the pain that I feel. I know what is coming, I know what the new parents are going to say. The baby is held at arms length, with one hand. It somehow balances in the palm. The baby’s father says,”We changed our minds. We don’t want it. We wanted a boy, and this is a girl.” He swivels his hand, waiting for someone to reach out and take the child. At this point, I am crying so hard and from such a deep place, that I wake up. I do not want to go back to sleep.
I have not yet had the opportunity to Gestalt this dream. I’ve been thinking a lot about abandonment in my life. Trying to be honest with myself about it, to see it. And I was in the pain and tracing the feeling of it, and I was brought back to myself at maybe four or five years old, when I felt such pain. Nothing particularly traumatic happened to me. No one event waterfalled me into it. I just remember sitting on something soft and feeling it.
I’ve been thinking that the only person who abandoned me is my self. It was I who abandoned my heart, the love of The Divine. All that I knew was true and real. Vital.
For the past ten years, since I started the dreamwork, I’ve been getting it back. Reawakening the truth of who I am, unleashing the love that I have into myself, and into the world. Without apology, without restraint.
At the moment, I am burning. I feel electric. An unsubtle yearning. I am filled with a heat . I feel specific, yet I cannot explain. A clarity I only feel. I put my left leg in the right side of my pajama bottoms. I cannot seem to move. Taking it all off entirely, NOW yer talkin’! Lots of room to move then! New freedom and excitement, mixed with fear, yes. This is a new place. This is my home.