You know what’s really great? Those cheap electric toothbrushes they have now that spin around and make a sound between a hum and a buzz and sometimes make my teeth feel like little kid teeth. I love those. How the dust gathers in one particular corner in every room of my apartment. Makes a big, nearly invisible nest and just waits for me to notice. dirt and hair and lint and maybe a piece of grass or of a dead leaf. Seems cozy. The skies at night, now that it is cold. Especially bright and deeper somehow to me than summer skies. so much. There is so much.
I wrote my last piece/entry/whatever after a particularly rough time. I read it and thought it misleading. I wanted to trick myself into believing that I was feeling better than I really was. I mean, it was all true, but my passion, the truth of me, was beneath layers of something else.......I was so clouded. My pathology got me and I was at battle.
Never have I felt such desperation. Even all the years I spent as a teenager, when all I thought about was my own destruction. It was so different, I couldn’t believe it. How I just wanted to die so much (again) but this time because I couldn’t stand the fight. I felt pressure, literal pressure, like I was being squeezed by these enormous cupped hands made of steel. I couldn’t stop crying and I felt very confused. I didn’t want to do ANYTHING, not sit up, not pee, not drink or eat. Which was new. Usually, when I have been “depressed” or whatever, I always had to be doing something. Overdoing all of everything.
All that time, when I closed my eyes and saw the yellow orange light stinging and burning through me, sort of down and to my left there was this pocket. The place where my heart was. This little corner that was clear and throbbing, winking at me. I knew what it was. I knew I was there. Big ‘ole little ‘ole me, for real. So so so alive and wanting and curious and free. I could never see that place before (let alone FEEL it) but it’s always been there, and it is what has saved me all these times. Looking back, I remember moments of awareness of it in my life. Scared the shit out of me. Kids at school always called me crazy and I thought, hey, here’s hard evidence. Oh my god. Yeah. just that. OH MY GOD!
So here I am. I feel both clearer and more vulnerable, stronger and more fragile, than I have ever been. Everything is pounding, my head, my limbs, my face. I feel kind of sad and scared as I write this. Glad. I know I am going somewhere new.
Last week, the week after a session with Marc that helped me understand what had been happening to take me so far down, I was feeling myself strongly, and my shame demons snuck in. Knocked me so hard. I was insulting myself aloud in conversations with people, could not accept love from others. I hated everything. Everything was a pain and a bother. I realized this was happening, and THAT shamed me! But I was having a hard time holding on, not being taken away by my shit. Then, after asking and asking, praying and praying, The Animus came to me. I was a large pool of light, floating above my body, and I felt him coming, then saw another light. We blended and he said, “We are the same. When you hurt yourself, you hurt me.”
Shit. Wow. Okay. That’s all I could say for a while. So thankful for that. Something I’ve been needing to get my whole life (or at least since I was four) and here it is. Thank you. I see it. I feel it. I know it.