I’m struggling to find some excuse to leave the writing. My grandson running around. The day is beautiful and I’m still inside, blah, blah, blah...
I’m really anxious and feeling this strongly. I’m anxious since I discovered I had sent my last writing out to every one feeling not ready. Afraid I flubbed up and scared to be sooo visible. However, here I am, and still anxious and not knowing where I am .
The last few days I’ve been feeling unhappy to be left alone. I’ve been feeling my old pain. Sometimes wanting to squash it. ( I get that "it" is me having my feelings.) God forbid some one might see me for who I truly am. This is coming clearer since writing of my abandonment and anger.
Over a year ago I had been discovered hiding with worry and fear over a neighbor who I had felt intimidated by for over three years. I had done nothing, acting as though I was supposed to take his abuses, which I did. When I spoke of what had been going on, there was surprise I had sat on that for all that time without telling anyone. I wasn’t surprised, that’s what I’ve done all my life. This week I felt the same fear coming up over aggressive behavior from a man looking for work. At first, I did the old “deal with it myself,” quickly realizing that was the old way. I got clear, asking for help, learning how to be direct without projecting my fear. I definitely felt fear, realized it was old and followed through saying what was true.
Since then I’m still anxious and find myself easily afraid. I don’t know what all this means. It doesn’t seem to matter just now. Sadness and grief keep coming. Feeling inadequate around how I present myself in face of my NOE family, how I write to my son, how I write a long overdue note to a friend. I keep finding I feel this inadequacy; feels like fear and shame; and am determined to do it anyway. I'm getting that it doesn’t matter the feeling so much as I don’t let it stop me or paralyze me. This feels new.
I’ve notice also in the last few days how, although I’ve known intellectually, the differences between realities I lived and fantasized and those seeming more the truth. I knew this but now I’m getting it. It’s as though I’m learning a foreign language, one I had not heard before, like being blind was one thing but I had been deaf also. I hear, smell, see and experience this world somehow very differently.
It feels like I have transitioned from the dead zone of the dying and dead salmon to this new place. I’m not sure. I’ve been concerned how I would ever fit into NOE and still don’t know, but I’m feeling like I need to let go of the fear of being left behind and continue doing my home work. Remembering to be the salmon that are dying and write about my anger.