A few nights ago, before falling asleep, I was swept with a tidal wave of sadness for having made the choice to leave Vermont. As I step into a commitment with the North of Eden Group, my inner work is deepening and I long for the familiarity of daily life near my home. This wave brought grief for uprooting me and my family to pursue this ideal of community living. Every day now, I feel such pain –as my pathologies of denial and pride and their false structures crumble around me. I feel myself losing grip of all that has been so important to me and it hurts, sometimes it hurts so much. My homework is to accept, to allow myself to BE the vulnerable girl and I am struggling with this. My pride awakens and does not want me to be so very tender and I judge this part of myself as needy and selfish. I don’t know how to really hold her in my heart. Before sleep though, this little girl was so sad and lonely. One of my favorite children's stories arose in my mind and I found some sweet peace.
The story goes like this: There is a man named Isaac who lived in poverty and had a recurring dream that there was a treasure under the bridge at the king's palace in a far away city. He finally decided to go and traveled far and long to arrive at the bridge to discover that it was guarded day and night. He went to the bridge day after day and finally the captain of the guards asked him why he kept coming. Isaac told him about his dream. The captain laughed and said “If I believed in dreams, I would go to the city where you came from and find a treasure under the stove in the house of a man named Isaac!" Isaac returned to his home, found the treasure under his stove and after sending a precious ruby to the captain, he built a house of prayer in gratitude. In the corner of this chapel he placed an inscription: "Sometimes one must travel far to find that which is near."
I have traveled far from my home and dream work community seeking a treasure that I hoped to find in Camphill community. Through opening myself to the summer retreat and now to the NOE group, I have found what was near. This treasure was in my back yard all the time.
The next night, I had the following dream:
I am at a park with my sister Claire and my mother comes up to us and says that she just saw Rip. (Rip is a dear old friend of our family whom I have not seen since I was 16 when my parents divorced) I am so excited and want to see him, but hesitate – I am feeling shy/invisible. Then a surge of urgency comes from within me that says “you don’t want to miss this opportunity!” Claire and I go to find him where my mother said she saw him. I see him with his daughter in the distance with an old hang glider/ flying machine. I go towards them and it gets very crowded with lots of people and suddenly he is right beside me! I wonder if he will recognize me and he says “Of course I recognize you!” I am so happy to see him, yet I feel some hesitation – I think “He was my mother’s friend, not mine.” Rip and his daughter disappear and I go the bathroom and pee – for a long time. While peeing I have that inner awakening feeling again of not wanting to let this opportunity slip by. I go out to find him and do. This time we embrace warmly and I tell him that there is so much that I want to ask him about. We look at each other intently; I am searching his face and feeling so content to be with him. He tells me that I used to shave my legs, when I was just 11 or 12 years old! I didn’t remember this. I am avoiding asking about his wife, since his daughter is there and I am uncertain as to whether or not his wife has died. His wife appears suddenly – she is young, and beautiful. I ask her if they are still living in Missouri and she says “No. We live in Hyde Park.” “Hyde Park, New York?” I ask, feeling so surprised. “Vermont” she says and then tells me the name of another town in Vermont. I am stunned as I realize that they have been living so close to me all these years.
This dream is an immeasurable gift. This dream clearly reveals my heart is at home in Vermont. It took me sharing the dream with Marc before I could really take this in. Marc said that it was obvious to him, and probably others before I left that I really belonged there. I have traveled far to find that my home is where I left. I weep with relief. I weep as I shed one layer of the uncertainty that I have been living with in the last few months. Thank you God!
This dream also so clearly reveals how when I hesitate, feeling unworthy, the Animus disappears. And… when I listen to and follow through with the inner voice that says “you don’t want to miss this opportunity”, that there He is – present, loving, open and excited to see me. It blows me away just how immediate it is.
My homework now is to be with Rip and his wife who say that we live in Vermont.
My homework is to feel this incredible sense of belonging, of being connected to the Animus and the Anima who are here to love and guide me as I travel through this painful time. My tender little inner girl wants nothing more than to enter into this process of learning, listening, and growing within myself and within the awesome group process of NOE. I am scared by the depth and honesty and integrity and love. Now my heart feels so full, has wakened to the truthfulness of my heart connection with this work. In my present state of structures and ideals crumbling, it is all that I really do know.