I want to cast myself in the starkest most brutally honest light I can.
My pathology of shame has me hating women and jealous of men. Because I am unable to feel and accept love, in that condition, I rely on control to get what I want. There are things I desperately want from women: sex and admiration. These are a substitute for real love for me. I objectify women in terms of the two things I want. I hate women for being separate from me in the sense of having their own thoughts and feelings and desires, because I cannot control them to get what I want. But I try to control them with intellectual bullying.
I prefer the admiration of women over that of men because of my psychological incest with my mother. I like the admiration of men also but mostly they are a threat to me. I always want to be on top. So I am competitive with men. I am also competitive with women if they dare challenge me. As a last resort, when I'm losing control, I will annihilate another person by saying, in effect, if you won't admire me or give me sex or at least acknowledge me as sexually attractive by flirting with me, then you are no use to me.
If you are a woman but are not sexually attractive to me, then perhaps I have already dismissed you as useless to me. If you are a man but I don't consider you competition for me, then perhaps I will patronize you in order to inflate myself.
All of this complex occurs because I have already decided I am not loved, because in my shame I do not feel worthy of love. I cannot be vulnerable because I'm sure I will not be loved if I reveal myself, and I will not be in control. In my effort to control people I make myself aloof and unattractive, so despicable that my belief that I am not lovable is a self fulfilling prophesy.
The opposite of this shame pathology is sensuality. Sensuality is a response to feeling loved; it is openness to love; it is an invitation to love; it is love. The opposite of intellectual bullying, needing to be on top, being right, is sensuality.
Sensuality says, even though I'm not perfect, I'm still lovable.
Sensuality says, even though I am not very smart and was wrong, I am lovable. Sensuality says I don't need to be in control because I am being loved and I will always be loved.