I have been in and out of reaction, forgetting to do homework and all reactive about that, too. I feel like I'm holding my breath awaiting my brothers decision, (really I'm holding the space, waiting breathing). Well, I am waiting to hear what he is going to do so I can get a time frame for moving. I realized I had gone immediately into reaction as I always have. I didn't think about it. I just did it. This is me back in survival mode.
Some examples I've been reflecting on: I have most of my working life worked for non-profits as I just said to Marc a few months ago. I therefore never make any substantial income finding myself in the barely scraping-by mode, from paycheck to paycheck, just barely. This is the never committing to anything for fear of ????. Reactive. I have moved more times than I am old and I'm fifty-six. I have said this over and over through the years as though I'm trying to impress some one? Don't know why this would be impressive to anyone. Seems I'm telling myself repeatedly till I get it! Not attached to anyone or anything. (Except my children and especially my grandson. Dustin.) What I get is that I flit about looking as though I have no worries, no where to go and no responsibilities, when in fact I feel the weight of the world and worry about what's next and where do I go now. I feel disconnected and unraveled at the same time. I should say I have felt this way and am just now seeing the picture of my life as I have been unfolding.
My brother coming and the loose responsibility I've had to him. The loose agreement I've had with him about "in lue of" (I have done lots of work and feel appreciated for it, yet I know in my heart the part I didn't speak out loud to him - but once and as though I was giving up something.) In fact I was holding back my true self and my true wishes. Afraid for him to see me and playing along with the dishonesty of too many years wasting time in an enabling relationship. A potentially healing one kept at bay and possibly harmed through dishonesty. Talking the hard talk has not been my forte. Rather I'd just play along and waste precious time and energy.
If I never light anywhere I'll not burn my feet. Neither will I live. Nor will I have the gift of belonging which is what Ive wanted since I can remember. If I'm not worthy to be in relationships that are intimate how do I believe I'm the Divine's child? If I can't stay put in the space created how do I learn the truth of who I am? How do I learn again to breath and live fully here in the moment? How do I feel connected to Him?
I have not accepted gifts as they've been presented to me. I've repeatedly turned and walked away from them. This is sad to realize since over and over it has happened. These were choices I made. Believing myself unworthy. Not believing the ones who truly love(d) me. I have been in this world as a blind person. Not seeing the shadows the covered me. Not feeling through the veil of unworthiness into my deep, deep heart. Into the depths of feeling and compassion I know. When things get good I exit, quickly and silently. Later turning back to see what I have left and to feeling regret for the leaving. Not healthy for my little girl. She likes the love and attention. I like being seen and appreciated. I can feel my woundedness. The depths of my wound is lessening.
If I keep giving myself away for/to the demon/pathology I can not have intimacy. Not with anyone. Not with the Divine. Because I can't have it with myself first. I struggle to feel worthy against the demon pathologies wishes, believing the Archetypes. Believing I am of pure heart. It is hard to believe. I try to be the good girl, to be perfect. An endless tunnel of deception where I get sucked in not even knowing it is happening until its over. Then I'm standing feeling the intensity of the shame and unworthiness as great as was in the beginning of the first time I felt it. Projections are powerful. Especially when I say nothing. So I speak in spite of how exposed I feel. In spite of the nervousness or embarrassment I feel. Or the remainder of my life I don't live as God has destined me to live, to be. I would then in fact be in resistance to Him. Directly in resistance and missing all the goodness He has for me. It becomes more than believing It is me walking through the darkness without knowing and doing it anyway regardless of what comes next. Regardless of what anyone thinks or believes or says or does. If I am here. God's child. I am already.
My eldest brother has come to Vermont and left. He had business to attend to and I am directly effected. He is undecided as to what exactly he will end up doing with the houses and properties. The information I've been given is vague. I will at some point need to leave this home of nearly nine years. I am ok with that. I'm nervous and doing my homework of "just doing it". I have no idea what will be. I feel nervous sometimes scared of whats, hows and where tos. So I look at where I am. Am I in the triangulation with the demon? Then move into the triangulation with the Archetype.
I cry this morning as I realize the love I feel. Particularly of the intimacy I am beginning to feel. In this powerfully filling up place, (like flood waters- a force of nature noone can predict outcomes). I am being washed over and swept away with. I will tell you all I am scared. And I don't know what it means, if it means anything or how it will wash.
I am His child and I am needing /wanting Him. I discover I no longer recognize myself as in previous roles, with old gossipy relationships, feeling lost to self. I feel different. Not the same. Feeling less tolerant of the bullshit and dishonesty. (I used to be that way as a child, not tolerant, but had it beaten out of me for a time). I'm more desiring conversation about my process, my true desires and my spiritual awakening.