It’s been eight months since my Bache in October 2004. I remember the very first Bache at Marc’s house and feeling very annoyed that it started at least an hour late. I also remember wanting to disappear. I didn’t know anyone, I felt socially inept. I just wanted to hide. Hence my annoyance; start on time, so I don’t have to feel all these feelings. In future Bache’s in Montpelier and Stowe, I had those same feelings. I still didn’t know anyone, the dream community had grown, and all these people knew each other. And, at the end of each person’s Bache, people were crying and hugging. AUGH! What was I doing here? Learning to feel, that’s what I was doing. And learning about how I control to keep things safe for myself, and learning about vulnerability, and learning about my own feelings of inadequacy, unworthiness, and self-loathing, and learning to be exposed.
You see, I like to hide. The first dream I brought to Marc was about stockpiling and stockpiling to create safety. I could hide behind safety. I wouldn’t be found out that way. I could hide behind control too. As long as I was in control, I didn’t have to expose myself. Again, I wouldn’t be found out. And if I was found out? Everyone would know what a fraud I was. That I didn’t have it all together, that I thought of myself as uninteresting, boring, not smart or clever, vulnerable, unworthy, and inadequate. The pathology has me on the run to prove, prove, prove my self-worth.
Pathology shows up at work a lot. I’m getting better at witnessing how it’s pathology that drives my projections onto others. At work, I project onto a co-worker my mistrust, my feelings of incompetence, as the pathology controls me and I tried to control through it. It’s ugly, it’s hurtful, it’s harmful when I do its bidding. At Women’s Circle, it’s the pathology that tells me “she doesn’t like you because you didn’t get the greeting you hoped for; therefore, get out of here. Reject them before they reject you.” It’s pathology that keeps me separate and alone by telling me to reject others because they will eventually reject me. It is pathology that has kept me alone even in the company of those I love and who love me. That is the ultimate hurt and betrayal.
The Bache was another step in my process to stop hiding, to be “awake” and stay alert as I take this journey to the core of my being, to truly awaken to the Divine and find out who I am. This is not easy for me because my pathology takes me out. It’s just like a light switch. I’m either on – in the work, doing my homework, feeling His love, - or I’m off. The pathology has taken me out again. It fights back and it fights back mean.
My current homework is to marry the Animus. It comes from two dreams: in the first dream it’s my wedding day, and in the second dream I’m being driven by the Animus to “our destination.” I am so excited and totally trust Animus. There isn’t an ounce of ambiguity. I’m getting married to Animus, the man I adore, love, and trust. He can drive me anywhere he wants.
I anxiously await the day when there is congruence between my inner and outer life, when I don’t hide, when I feel adequate, when I feel Divine love.