June, 2010
It is a real stretch for me to write about receiving the blue chrystal. To say out loud that I know his love in this way. It is one thing to let it in, in some internal, private way & another to really own it publicly the way it is in the dream.
Marc asked me about a moment at Cat Balcos wedding when I received communion. He asked what was happening for me when I knelt after communion.
The simple answer is that I sat and did my homework. I was with Him in a river of blood (my homework at the time). For me this is what communion has always been, to be with Him, to literally allow myself to become the body & blood of christ. There is a prayer over the bread & wine that says: "Do this in memory of me". For me this is not about remembering him, it is about remembering what he taught. He was not asking us to receive him, he was asking us to receive God as he received God.
I have a deep abiding fear of saying such things. Each of the last two nights I have dreamt of watching people who have been hung, of people on the rack. There are many historical arguments about the Cathars, about the gnostics. What all agree on is that they were killed for daring to speak such words, for daring to know God, for daring to be aquainted with God on a deeply personal level, for daring to be heretics.
What do I really know about receiving the blue chrystal, if I dare let myself know what I know? What I know is that there was a time when God's presence was felt as something immanent in the world around us and that this chrystal was a manifestation of that immanence. In receiving this chrystal, I let God's love be immanent in me, I let myself be the body & blood of God and let His presence come through me into this world.