October 2007
I am feeling the tragedy of how victimization has ruled my life, culminating in a terrible event in my business. This event could have been avoided. I could have stood firmly in my truth when my business changed and I could no longer be physically present for the care of each customers home. For way too long I bore a promise to my customer Mary Alice that I would be there, making myself into a prisoner of her terms. For many months I chose to wear this noose, sometimes driving many extra miles and defaulting on critical tasks to meet up with the team just in time to accompany them in this one customers home. Why did I do this? Because I was asked to and my pride was sickly fed – “This customer trusts only me and I want to support her through this difficult year since the sudden death of her husband and I am important in her life and I can keep doing this even though it is a hardship for me, it is the least that I can do... Blah...Blah Blah...” The truth is, my pathology was having a heyday – making me suffer by being so damn good.
And then, I finally stood my ground and let her know that I would be unable to be there and the first time that the team went on their own, one of my employees stole a valuable family heirloom from Mary Alice's home. This triggered a terrible flow of events including being harangued in a small closed office where I received verbal abuse. I stood numb and frozen – a deer in the headlights, unable to open the door and walk away from the abuse.
After receiving a letter, requesting compensation (of nearly $6000, even though the valuables had been returned to her unharmed) I felt my life caving in – making me into a total victim. I immediately pictured a law suit of grave proportions – me being in debt to her – me wearing the noose again. Through the guidance of Marc's help I began to wake up.
Now I see how my capitulating to her request for me to be present for the cleanings of her home created a sickly dynamic of victimization – my pride of care taking her, made me into a victim. I was inviting the abuse – I have been a 'patsy' provoking my own condemnation, digging my own grave.
But right now, I am choosing not to.
Right now, I am choosing to step out of that vicious cycle and feel the pain of the past and breathe through that pain to standing in my fear of simply being me. I am I. I stand separate from you, from her from him from the ones who would happily put a noose around my neck. I could spend my life running from drama to drama, wearing the noose and helping others to create the noose that they place around my own neck – the noose of care-taking, of doing the right thing, of selling my soul for the other. And I do not want this bereft life any more!
Right now I am seeing how I have made myself into a victim in my business. I have allowed employees to call the shots and I suffer the consequences. I watched as a key employee left and started a cleaning business of her own and took with her many of my customers. Right now I am seeing how this victim dynamic was the ruling hand of numerous similar events in my past. I feel sick from this.
Right now, I am seeing what I have never before seen. I am on fire and want to burn through the icky ickyness that seeks to draw me in. I am standing with my sword, ready to the quick every time I catch the victim.
It is truthfully, still a long road – I get blind sided very easily. Shame seeks to take me down – another way that I am a victim. When I stand firmly and take action the victim in me disappears - and this is my work – my ticket to God's love. When I take action, I am receiving the gifts. When I procrastinate I am a victim.