For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to know who I am at the core of my being. Why am I here and what should I be doing? What am I meant to be doing? How am I to live? The dreamwork is taking me on the journey to the core of my being and I’m finding out answers to those questions but the question now is who have I been? What are the things in me that have kept me, and still keep me, from knowing myself?
It is extremely scary to even begin writing this because I don’t like feeling vulnerable. And, this is certainly putting it out there and exposing those parts of me that keep me separate and isolated from others and from knowing myself.
My friends have described me as quiet, reserved, nice, having it all together and intimidating too. I could talk too much and say nothing, or talk little with the same result. My world when I entered the dreamwork was one of safety and control. I created a tight little world around myself to keep me safe. To do that, I had to be in control of anything I could. The result of this was disastrous, of course. All this did was to repel people. I couldn’t see how I was intimidating. All I saw was people moving away from me not towards me and I wasn’t sure why. I wanted to be included, to belong, but no one would have ever guessed that. Control and safety kept me from acknowledging that I needed something, and if I did need something, to let others know would be way too vulnerable.
The underbelly of quiet, reserved, nice, having it all together was being scared but I didn’t know I was scared. I worried about what other people would think of me. So I tried to keep myself in the background while looking for acknowledgement from others. I looked for others to define who I was because I didn’t know what I felt or what I wanted. I was shut down to my feelings.
There was also a hard, rough, ragged edge to me because I was shut down to my feelings. I wanted to sympathize, empathize, to be compassionate but I couldn’t without feeling. I saw others do it. I wanted to do it too because I saw the intimacy and warmth in that act of connecting with others. I couldn’t do it because I couldn’t feel into other person’s pain or sorrow because I couldn’t feel the depths of my own pain and grief.
I’m softer now, the edge is getting smoother and I can feel compassion. I can feel! I can feel! I can feel!
I’ve written this before and it’s still what I want.
What I really want is to be real. I just want to be me, my soul self me. I just want to be who I am with you instead of projecting and worrying about what I think you want me to be. I just want to grow into who I am. To truly know who I am: no pretense, no fear, and no façade. Standing strong with Him. Being the person He sees.