I have been trying to change whatever I could by myself. Yet I find I am feeling frozen and cannot move nearly at all. I am very cold right now. It feels as though the wind is blowing and I am caught in some sort of blizzard. My day-to-day existence is nearly unbearable so much of the time. I am feeling the numbness of cold and not knowing. I feel lost and alone. I am afraid to ask for anyone to help, or for that matter just to witness me in this strange place. I FEEL MYSELF STRUGGLE AS THOUGH I AM NOT THE SAME PERSON WHO IS HAVING THE EXPERIENCE. I feel detached, disconnected from any thing I have known and I want to run to what is familiar. Though there is a part of me that hangs onto the unknowing as though I some how do know. I continue to feel disconnected. When I am in the women’s group or at retreat or Bache, I feel connected. By myself, I get lost in living where I am most uncomfortable. I feel out of control, even more than I have felt for much of my life. This is not a place I care to be for long. Then I begin to feel I am being selfish in wanting comfort. Who am I to want beyond all I am given, beyond what I have known. I dare only to barely speak it. Writing this feels dangerous to me. I want to get out of here, to get away.
My car needs $$ to fix. Why is it broken in the first place? The other car I felt so fortunate to still have and drive is no longer running. The furnace has three times stopped working and my body hurts and is just always uncomfortable. I feel bitchy at work and resent that I need to be there. I feel I struggle to take care of routine things and am no longer able. I am so tired of this I look for a long-lasting alternative to being present. I feel responsible for all that has gone wrong and even for those negative thoughts I have had and how they might affect the world. I am beyond psychotic I am a frozen version of who I ---don’t know.
My demons are in my face every day. There I struggle to find the strength to face them. To push through my shame so bitterly inherited. I came here a sweet and beautiful being. Unspoiled or damaged. Now after half a century I feel I am not worth saving and all this hard work and commitment is for not. I feel I am caught so neatly in this web of deceit. I cannot see what it is. I am afraid I will freeze to death here and maybe it would be a blessing. I fear I will die like my mother like the empty shell of what ever evil destroyed her and left her in her nakedness…alone, empty, nothing but a thin shell. I do not want to die that way. I feel I have nothing now and my mind still works. I fear dying and living. I am still disconnected.
What does this all have to do with where I am? I have sat frozen in what felt like dying for at least half of my life. Then I began to scream; now I in my emergence am trying to crawl back into the darkness. I believed it is my place in this world. I do not belong with you. I am not like you. I hurt when I do not mean to and do not feel understood. I hear you say love and seeing me but I do not understand it. How is this possible? I am what my mother said, aren’t I? I am supposed to be nothing, Stupid, a slut, a whore, a bad mother. I am the reason my sisters struggled. I am the reason every thing in my life sucks…RIGHT?
Why didn’t I believe I could be healthy? Why didn’t I have the fairy tail relationships I dreamt of as a little girl? I learned I was BAD; I was a sinner and would need to be punished. I was marked for the rest of my life. I was destined for purgatory the place of nothing, no life. There has been no escaping or hiding place I have found to hold me for very long. I have tried to hide from the world who could condemn me and from those who might love me for surely they would eventually see that I am scared and not worthy. Surely, they would learn I am not from a pure place or as committed as they are.
I want my life GOD. Please help me. I am broken and feel stripped of all I once knew. I am who I am. I wish to surrender. Please take me back. I have not given up I am surrendered. I have no control over my existence and do not care to contemplate any more of what or why.
I am feeling the numbness left over from too many times not being supported, not feeling loved, the fall out from an empty parent passed on to me. Do I become the shell? Do I die that way? If that is my fate Id, like to die now. I am in terror as I witness my words. I do not understand but I know the immediacy of NOW is great and frightening. I have felt some thing lighten up in me with that fear rising. I do not wish to die like her. I wish to die to your will, to surrender to your service. There I have written another word- SERVICE. I feel myself pulling back. I am afraid of commitment. TO you I feel I am the dirt on the earth. I still know I must face this spilling out for this is who I have been. I want to live in you and feel you alive in me. I am nothing with out you. I am a broken being. I cannot live any other existence. I know this for I have tried so many times and so many ways.
I fear feeling for there is so much love. I can only love those who I know Ill need to say good-bye to. I have been striped of all the relationships I have had Pray God but for my sweet daughters. My sons I have not known since thirty-two years and that pain is still so deeply cut into my heart. I have never held any material or worldly thing for any mentionable amount of time. I have of my birth family not felt the deep abiding love, support or any sort of commitment with ever. I feel even to this day that I should not let any one near or get too attached for All will be cut away- for it does not belong to me. Like my sons – I know they were more of you, belonging to you than to me.
I am reminded of letting go. For me it is like the dying, I do it over and over and over.
My homework is to be the hurt little girl, to feel the hurt little girl. It takes a lot to get there on my own. I have stuffed her, as I was taught- so well. This assignment came from the dream where I felt I was responsible to tell the parents, mother that her children had died in a terrorist attack. I was the child terrorized and feeling responsible to others and not even recognizing my hurt self. I would get into reaction and be angry or bitchy if I felt her emerging. All she wanted/ needed was to feel loved. The not knowing for all of her/ my childhood took its toll on what I learned to be expendable and what was absolutely unsafe. That was why I shut down- I could not have remained in this world as completely as I am if Id tried to do other wise. I lived with terrorist. As I wrote this last sentence, I feel a cold shudder and angry stone face draw over me. It pains me to admit this piece of myself to any one, even to witness myself. I feel the shame stabbing my in back, through my lower ribs just below my heart.
I had to stop for a bit to get some heat into this space. I needed to feel comfort I could tolerate. That is my body warm and my tummy full. So, I’ve begun making applesauce too. But I could not stop telling my story. I look for comfort in immediate fixes, not seeming to fix the deep wounds just filling them up til they stopped hurting for a while.
The second part of my homework is to feel my connection and the light. This is difficult because it means I will need to acknowledge the hurt girl at the same time. I don’t do it any other way. I dreamt I held a large shard of clear crystal in my right hand above my head. I held it tightly as I watched light emanating from it like the northern lights all around it and coming from it. This is my connection and what I have always as far as I remember held onto. There were many years I abandoned it; when I felt Id surely been lost in some dark soul place, cast into purgatory. It was dark and I felt lost. Right now, I feel myself with-drawing from the homework. Too hard to sustain for long periods. I will keep reaching and seeing myself holding on to the light crystal to the spiritual connection, I have until I feel the holding and the light on my face.
So, this is hard to look at. I have grown accustomed to discomfort until these past few weeks. Until every thing, I thought would give me that immediate feeling of comfort and easy choices of where I could be and what I might do being yanked away. I now feel the surrendering of self, for there is nowhere I wish to hid. I have no idea of what I am to do or where Ill end up. I just keep feeling the stabbing in my ribs each time I fall little away.
The house is warmer now but my nose still feels cold. This has taken a great deal of effort to push into the discomfort of my self. I feel I will not rest until I am through this to the other side. I trust there has to be another side.
Through all of my strange and disconcerting experiences in the last weeks, I feel the core of my soul remains calm. All around me and in me I feel action, excitement, brain activity until I’m so tired, visions and business as though I’m not in my own body. I’ve needed to have constant reminders to keep coming back. And though there is this calm. Thank you for the calm.