March 2009
Oh joyous day.
These words and others springing forth from my unburdened lips.
Oh joyous day.
I can feel. I am feeling for the first time in months, really feeling. Oh joyous day.
I have moments when like a lightning bolt like rushing up through some wellspring... my truth shines before me clearly.
The regrets I have stuffed down. The true desires I have not allowed to be. That I have denied and rejected, as I have done with her. With Molly Aurora.
Feeling this tension between the not me and the real me. Really feeling it. Inside it twists and turns... splits me through and through into two.. into three..
As if I'm not allowed to say this. To speak. Is what it wants me to agree to, the price I have to pay to stay numb. Be quiet. Be quite.. sit down and shut up.
I am so much more than this bundle of nerve endings this malfunctioning set of organs, this supposed lemon of a body. I don't know her yet but I know she is there. Can feel her. Can feel a different type of dissociation than I've experienced in the past.. the toxins are pouring through and out of me.. released after all these years, these ages of suffering are coming up and through and I am ill.
A visceral letting go of this not me. This not self. This wrong me.
And blessed. Feeling blessed. You aren't supposed to feel blessed, to feel humbled. You are strong and proud.. and unworthy. Only the special are blessed. You are not special.
These and so many other arguments pelted at me relentlessly, like so many greasy paintballs smearing down my skin.. leaving their bloody welts, which I have stoicly not felt all this time.
I am a tough girl. The Loner. It is just how you were born. You are forsaken.
I am a little girl. I am a big heart in a little girl. I am given the gift of open eyes at a young age.
I am afraid to let you see me. No.. afraid you will see it and know it is not me. And then you will see her. See through the not me and see the real me. If only it can convince you and me that this is all I am and not have to be vulnerable, naked in my just me-ness.
Somewhere in all of this is her. Joyfully her.
I run. I slam the door in His face, seeing the change coming. There is part of me agreeing to a No that is bigger than I ever thought. Under the no is the yes. Speak the yes. I need to.
I need to speak the yes and let it flow through me.
Loosening the compacted waste backed up in my cells and letting them free... I feel my body cleansing. I feel my heart being healed.
I feel.
For the first time since I can't remember when.. I feel.
Oh joyous day.