On the Outside, Staggering.
I'm standing here,
On the outside,
Looking in at the wounded beast,
Assigned to me.
I have driven him so hard and so far,
Without knowing his heart bled
Almost from the beginning.
I wonder, what does this beast feel?
I really thought I knew him,
But I never did.
Not since I awoke like a stranger
In his heart and his mind,
Finding myself the thief who'd
Robbed him of his life.
I did not like that he was scared,
And in pain. I thought,
I do not need to feel these things,
They are not mine.
As I wrapped my legs tight around his neck,
Choking him and bearing down
With my conceits, insolence and pride,
I never thought of his sorrow.
When first he stumbled,
I was impatient, restless, and drove him on.
How dare he bleed!
I had places to go, things to do...
Long ago, I was inside of him, asleep.
Then I was born out of his mouth.
For a long time, jeering,
I was on top, digging my heels into his ribs.
Now he is inside of me like an ache.
How did this happen?
Who am I,
And how am I bound to him?
Was I the one who tamed him,
Coerced and trained him,
To please Her?
Who rewarded me so handsomely with praise and promises,
But - I discovered too late - devours her own Children.
I made the beast prance and dance for her,
And I thought I was a prince,
Her darling prince,
So high and mighty did the hooves fly! Woohoo!
I hated her when I found out she was not God.
I was betrayed by her, no, by...
Myself,
But I would not admit that so I raged.
She could not keep her promises!
Anyway, would not.
I grew bigger, and she became smaller, and I despised her
For tricking me.
I devoured her, and I became her.
So through the impoverished fields and tangled forests of my life I've
Been blown, howling,
Blinded by anger and hate,
Still with the taste of the lies I'd wanted to believe
On my tongue,
Cheated once, but still wanting the promises I'd bartered
For my soul.
Now the ache of his bleeding heart staggers me.