For many years now, Archetypal dream work has been my path to healing, growth and transformation. The dreams are a gift from the divine. By working them with my therapist and doing my homework they are gently and powerfully guiding me to my birthright – to finding myself as a passionate woman who is beginning to know God’s call.
I wake too early, can’t remember my dreams again and can’t return to sleep’s sweetness. My mind begins zooming – all that I forgot to do, all that I must not forget to do, and all that I would like to forget about - zips through my now awake mind. I toss and turn, resisting getting up and then, resigned to a 5-hours-of-sleep-day, get out of bed.
I have to pee. With a smile, I slip outside and squat. Bird song surrounds me and a lone cow moos as I pee onto the moist earth. I love to pee outside.
In first grade, I was the angel who stood beside the Christ child in the Christmas pageant. I felt so beautiful, dressed in a long white tunic and bearing my elegant wings. Before going on stage, we were instructed to use the bathroom. I tried to enter the narrow stall, but did not want to damage my foil covered wings.
I had only one simple part that I did beautifully– no words. When the Christ child was born I raised my arms in adoration. Just as I did this, yes… I peed. The warmth flowed down my legs onto the floor, creating a very large puddle that grew past the edges of my white angel gown.
35+ years later, I dreamt:
I am in a big, old, Victorian house with high ceilings, big rooms and a wide sweeping staircase. I am in the middle of the staircase. I hang on to the banister and I pee- I let go fully, just like I had done before. I feel so good.
This dream brought me right back to that stage, to being the angel. This dream turned my attention to me as an over- 40-year-old-woman who was nearly frigid, who had repressed and denied pleasure for many, many years. This dream awoke the innocent girl within me, who had actually felt pleasure between her legs, who drank deeply from the pleasure of simply peeing. My adult self had grown tense and shame had frozen this simple basic pleasure. I realized that it actually felt really good to pee on that stage.
Dream 2
I am in a very cool house where I used to live and a lovely woman is in the bathroom with me and she shows me an elaborate bidet. She shows me how to use it and then leaves. I feel like a young girl, am excited, sit on it and push the button. Water splashes my vagina and I am filled with exquisite pleasure.
I am married to an incredibly patient man. We have been together for 21 years. I am deeply humbled to admit now, that throughout most of this time I was sexually repressed. For whatever complex reasons, my psyche was tightly woven around controlling most everything, including sexual intimacy. This dream was an immeasurable gift to me – helping me to break through those walls and feel the whoosh of sensuality rise through my body again. I began to awake, as if out of a long and tortured sleep, to the juicy, sensual woman that I am. In the last few years, my husband and I have been making up for lost time, enjoying each other intimately in ways that only my husband had dreamed of!
Dream 3
I have a penis, a large one and I am peeing and it feels so good to pee.
This was such a cool feeling – gets me right there every time I return to this dream. I had a big penis! Wow. I am a woman, always have been, at least in this life time. I have been curious at times – what is it like to have a penis? Now I know… on a visceral level – I really like the hanging out feeling – feeling it fill a bit, rise and then release in peeing. Unfortunately, in the dream, I feel ashamed afterwards and shove the penis back up inside of me. And it is with deep regret that I see how often I have done this, and still do this in my life – feel full, potent and sensual and then whamo!, retreat into a controlling bitch. Shame is deeply ingrained my psyche. I am now beginning to see that guilt /shame is a knife that I stick into my own heart, multiple times a day. This guilt wants me to believe that I am a criminal for wanting something for myself! It wants me to believe that everyone else is more important, that I am better off living my life for others. The awakening of the sensual little girl in me, the one that actually liked peeing on that stage, is the antidote, is my doorway back to God’s embrace. Thankfully, I am beginning to see through this game, which is really a ridiculous lie that I bought big time and lived my life by. I am beginning to know that who I am, who I really am ‘In His Eyes’, is a passionate woman of God.
Dream 4
There is a Lion and it is my turn to go to Him. I go right up close, feeling scared. The Lion puts his massive paw on my head and pulls my head back, my neck arching up. I feel the heat of his body close behind me and know that his penis is erect.
Fear rips right through me. A huge lion has his paw on my head and I belong to him, and he wants me. ‘This is the good fear’ says Marc, my therapist. This is the fear that I have been avoiding by playing the shame guilt game. This is the fear that is both terror and exquisite pleasure. The lion in this dream is standing in for the Animus, the Healer, Christ. Like Aslan, he is powerful beyond comprehension and All Loving. I feel His heat and His light penetrates me, sees me. Truly sees me, and I feel both terrified and deeply peace filled. As I turn myself fully to Him, I walk through the door to unity. I face my fear and say Yes! to the redemption that awaits.