And so what to write today? I know I must come here everyday to start my day. It's my prayer, my wake up call, and on many days there's something on my mind, but today I'm just here. So what to write? On some days I know that if I just get started, I'll connect and words and thoughts will come through me from somewhere and I'll feel awake and aware, and I'll feel connected, and I'll feel. I may feel sad and cry or nostalgic or awe struck by the connection, but I'll feel something. I've spent a large part of my life perfecting the art of not feeling anything, so to have a bit of some swallowed feeling come up to the surface and be felt and maybe expelled through the action of fingers moving on the keyboard is a gift. I want to work on feelings like you work on a muscle. I want to strengthen my feelings to support me through life, like I'd like to work on muscles to keep upright in my dotage. I want the feelings as well as the muscles but oh my, the pain. I wish I'd spent as much time and energy on building my muscles as I've spent on hiding my feelings. I've developed great skill at it. I do it now without knowing I'm doing it. I had a dream last week that I met a man who was confident and greeted me warmly, and tells me a bit about himself but when I ask him a question, he becomes very uncomfortable and starts to run away and I see that he's not tall at all, he's short. He's willing to tell something about his life, but only as much as he wants to reveal. The question: What part of me are you? The answer: The part that hides my shyness behind a veil of confidence. I can't let you see that I'm uncomfortable or shy. That I'm not as tall as I've convinced you I am. But if I've worked on appearing confident all these years, haven't I worked that muscle enough so that I really am confident and comfortable ? The answer is yes, on a superficial level, on any level that doesn't involve feelings or taking an emotional risk. I've started a bit, I'm certainly better than I ever have been before. Let's say I went from not being able to pick up a one pound weight to being able to lift three pounds, but the obstacle in front of me is a hundred pounds. It may have made a tiny start, but there's a long way to go. I'll keep coming here to my keyboard, because for now this is where I feel the most. I'll get up to a hundred pounds of pain and sorrow and grief and shame, but there will also then be a hundred pounds of joy and peace, and love.