The road disappears in the blinding brightness of the setting sun as we approach the North of Eden retreat center.
I put my head out the window of the car, hold my hand over the sun and tell the driver, Breeze, it’s okay, just stay straight.
On this weekend men in the dreamwork are gathering to do the work. Bill has set the tone with an eloquently e-mail which I want to share;
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The dream:
I am up at the NOE retreat center with Marc and his "brother". I feel awkward, standing off to one side. I am not sure what we are doing, but I blurt out to Marc's "brother" that I want to be part of his group.
The Homework: Keep wanting to be led by the animus.
I was doing this homework as I drove up to the NOE retreat center today, to do some work on the generator. I went inside and I asked "What do you want us to do this weekend?". What came to me was an image of men bringing their "crap" to our circle, holding it in front of them, laying it in a pile and lighting a bon fire. I wept with relief as I saw this. I wept as I imagined being held by my brothers, not having to be ashamed of who I am, not having to hold myself apart from you or from the animus.
We are being asked this weekend to look at and to out the pathology that keeps us apart from other men. In the NOE work we would call this pathology our "prima donna". In the men's work we call it our "crap". We focus on this, because the same pathology that keeps us apart from each other, also keeps us apart from the animus.
This is our work now, to support each other in outing our crap, and to be there for each other in the depth of feeling that our pathology covers. This is our work, to have the courage to bring our crap to the circle and to hold it in the light for all to see. This is our work, to trust each others love, and to trust the animus' love will be there for us when we stop covering up who we really are.
We are all being given an opportunity to be in His group this weekend. Steve and I will be helping to guide this process. We will be leading and mentoring this weekend as we did at the NOE retreat.
With all my love and fear, Billyboy
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When I read this, I got that feeling that is so familiar to me when going to a meeting of men gathering to support each other, a queasy, dreadful feeling like I might die or something.
As I started to share in our first circle it occurred to me that blinding light I had experienced on the way in was like that reported by people who have near death experiences. I think I started sharing by saying I was in a crisis with my wife. That she wants to leave the community we are living in and I am not sure I do. But as soon as I started to try to figure out how to make this decision between my marriage or my present livelihood, I realized I needed to go back to my homework. The homework I am working on “Be open to the love, receive love” comes from a dream in which I am looking at my chart with a teacher. He is trying to show me where process points are. I warn him that I have none in my chart. He goes through one or two planets finding this to be true but then he looks at the sun and becomes excited because it is a way out.
I just put it out there that I didn’t want to figure it all out. What did I have left to say? Well, I started to sweat and the sweat gave way to shaking, I felt intense pain. I was squirming trying to resist this feeling of pain. Then I let go and I began to sob. It was perhaps one of the most intimate moments of my life as I felt the love welling up in me. Like an orgasm, waves of deepening feeling burst inside of me and I breathed with them, in them, let it wash over me and just sobbed. I was opening to Gods love. Twelve men sat with me in the circle witnessing this, some who I knew some who I was meeting for the first time. Yet I felt their love too and felt as safe as a boy in his father's arms.
This feeling stayed with me and during the weekend as I looked at my life through this lens of love. I recognized how I had created a duality between my livelihood and my marriage. One that didn’t hold water in this new found place. What I needed to do was be in the love and through it be awakened to the truth. It became clear to me, with some help, that my struggle with my living situation, which was also entwined with a spiritual movement I feel connected to, was just another way to avoid feeling the intimacy that my wife was wanting, and which is a necessity for me to live in essence. So I stayed with the love and out came a lot of pain and then I woke out of the pain and found myself in love again but it was a different kind of love, a love that was not swayed by appearances, it was a love with the power to see through all the crap and would except nothing but love itself as truth. I, for maybe the first time, was able to see the way I intensely withdraw from the very thing that I most desire and then not cower. I spoke out of this place. I love my wife, I love my family, I love myself, I love these men gathered around me their tender eyes seeing me, looking deep into me with unwavering support. I love Jesus, Thank God, for the eternal son. I love Marc and his gift which is manifesting this love in the world.
The denial of the pain had put me to sleep but now I am waking to the love.
IT IS SO SIMPLE. LOVE IS ALL WE NEED
As I drove back from the retreat I felt transformed. I had had an epiphany. I was in love. As I approach my home I realized the sun, that same blinding setting sun, would be over my house as I pulled into the driveway. But as I turned into the driveway there was also another sun before me, my son, Luke, who was waiting with his Mom for my return. When I stopped the truck he came running to me with arms wide open. I hugged and kissed my boy.