what I need
when I find
my NO
and want
to turn into my yes
patience to feel
the hard pain
to call its name
love to hold me
close before the shame
of being here again
sucks me into the
vortex that spins me
round from girl to hag
dark to Him
soft pain to open
clean the wound
cauterize the lie
to expose my NO
for just a no
not me
not the girl who
loves and lives
to grow up
in Him
***
what do I need
when I find my no
and want to turn
toward my yes?
I need to stop
to want to stop
to breathe and wait
and look and weigh
what is going on?
where am I in me?
who is speaking
thinking moving?
Ash asks me
do you want..?
I first say "No."
every time
then I change my mind
every time
about food or departure times
gifts or parties
these "little" no's
are big indices
markers born
of the habit of fear
fear of being
wrong every time
a fear born of
shame every time
OWWWWWW
and Wow
and Now
and How
I can change
every time
I can actually
find out what I want
Dr. No is outed
and now I can uncover
the girl in me
the one who "knows"