I am confined to my home with my two year old son, Ian, slowly recovering from a blown-out achilles tendon and the surgery to correct it. We live out in the country with my husband, Michael, who is working hard at his job and I feel very isolated right now. But when I get a moment to sit down at the computer, I am instantly connected to the most amazing community through my involvement with the North of Eden Exchange website as a host and a coach for others wishing to put up a web page. We share a commitment to the process of the dream work and I am passionate about that process. It has saved my life by slowly unraveling what has kept me from being in my truth, from accepting myself, from feeling God's love. I could never have survived the death of my infant daughter five years ago, never had faith that my second marriage would deepen in intimacy and last our lifetimes, never have been freed to NOT be my mother with my son. I thank Marc Bregman, with so much love, for being my guide. In the first dream I brought to him, I'm in a car driven by my ex-husband. He is speeding along this pier that runs straight out to sea in the black night. I am holding on thinking "this is okay, I can handle this." Of course, I'm terrified. Just before we fly off the end of the pier, a mechanical arm grabs the car mid-air. I climb out and this sea captain says "We have to sail when the wind is good." Marc said, "The sea captain? That's who I work for!"
I am scared. I have so much fear that I'd rather be in the familiarity of my shame and judgement than to be in my terror. My dreams have shown me that my terror is a doorway to a place inside me that at this moment feels like an empty room. It's ready and waiting to contain my beautiful ever-loving soul. Up to this point, I have projected the goodness of my own great heart and the things that made me wonderful out onto THE WORLD and OTHERS. When I didn't get back what I needed or wanted I felt crushed, judged, judgemental, filled with self-hatred, unworthy of love. Dream: I am in New York City in a car that goes down a wrong turn to a part of the city that is dangerous and dark. It's a ghetto where people are desperate and filled with despair. I am terrified to be there. When we worked on the dream, Marc asked if I felt that way as a child.
I am in so much pain because I didn't get my needs met as a little girl. My mother couldn't give me the love I craved. She didn't get it from her mother, who didn't get it from her mother and on and on. My mother looked to me to fill her up and when I couldn't she was angry, resentful and blamed me. I learned to be a caretaker. Maybe then I would be loved. Dreamed: I am standing in a muddy pool trying to hold together a razor fish. It looks like a mask made of sharp blades. I'm afraid it will fly apart in all directions and slice me to bits. I am terrified to swim back through the water. My homework was to go ahead in! Yet, it's difficult to go into the water of my unconscious because I'm afraid of the hurt I've had since birth. The situation of the funky water and being cut by the fish took place when I was a child. I'm still at home with my mother when I feel like I take up too much space, when I focus on the needs of others to avoid my own, when I want to do it RIGHT, handle it alone, justify myself and then long to be discovered by the world as beautiful and special. It's so hard for me to go into the pain of my unmotheredness. I feel safer staying engulfed in the shame that says I deserve the rejection from her heart because I must have done something wrong.
When I can accept my fear by staying present and not reacting, then I feel the place inside: the empty room that waits to contain me. I have retrieved the projections. I am ready for the rejuvenation that comes when I am open to receive the steadfast love of the Animus. I dream that I am in the dark water. There are fish around me, beautiful fish. I feel a little scared but know that some of the fish are mine. The dream shifts and I'm with a man I used to know. He tells me how angry I used to be. I don't feel judged. I feel seen. I tell him about the dream work and how much I have changed. I long for this man's love though he seems distant. Sitting here writing I know that He is my hope, my salvation. His love will rejuvenate me, empower me, fill me with His potency. I wait in my inner room, full of longing...